Sometimes I get letters from readers. On Tuesday, I got one from Evan. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It moved me, Bob. And so I’m sharing it here with his permission because I like laughing and crying better when we do it together. And because Evan asks an important question at the end, one I thought our community can answer way, way better than I can answer alone.
(Also, his name’s not really Evan. I changed it and other minor details to protect his kids’ story. Otherwise, this letter’s all his. Read on…)
……….
Hiya Beth-
I’m guessing one of the biggest problems being a writer who “puts herself out there,” as you do, is the fact that you get e-mails from people who assume that they know you… or can go to you for advice… or want you to go above-and-beyond what you provide with your blog and request personal inspiration… or whatever. How annoying that must be!
(It’s not annoying. I love getting letters. I occasionally suck at answering them, though, and I admit I sometimes shove my inbox under my bed, swear to my dad that my room’s clean, and hope desperately I don’t get found out. I’m working on it; pinky swear.)
So, Hi. I’m here to ask for your advice. Oh, and to request personal inspiration.
I’m Evan. I’m a foster parent. My partner and I got ‘the call’ last year. A baby needed a two-day placement. I figured, “Heck, I can skip the gym for two days and care for a baby.”
That was 401 days ago.
As we settled in to be parents of our little guy, we also learned he had four half-siblings placed in other foster homes. Our caseworker mentioned it’d be great to have them all in the same home. We said, “That would be great… but no.”
Then I met them.
Our caseworker reminded us that it’d be great to have them all in the same home. We said, “Okay… let’s do this.” After all, we thought, we’re both teachers. We’re organized. We’re patient. If anyone can do this for these kids, it’s us.
So now we’re a family of seven.
At this point in the e-mail, things are about to turn, so I want to clarify by saying this: We consider ourselves very lucky to have these kids in our lives. But… well…
We’re still sorta organized. And I’m a little less patient than I thought I was. And I do try to remind myself that we’ve done something good for these kids. Yet, it’s not always easy. Sometimes I just need to hear from someone who ‘gets it.’
Now these awesome kids are free to be adopted. And They. Are. Awesome. My doubts and fears do NOT come from the fact that one kid makes me repeat directions 1,000 times before complying. Or that another likes candy so much he steals it from daycare and eats it in the bathroom.
My doubts and fears come from the fact that… you know… being a parent is hard. And the learning curve in which we find ourselves is pretty steep since we didn’t get to grow up with some of our little ones. And that some of our little ones are relatively big. And those bigs already have, like, personalities and stuff. And some of those personality traits are… umm… not always awesome.
We will soon begin the process to adopt them. And as excited as I am, I am also a little nervous. I worry that I won’t be able to give them all the time and attention they need. I worry that I sometimes feel like we’re running a breakfast-eating, getting-dressed, do-your-homework factory rather than a family.
And I don’t want to let the worry consume me to the point where I can’t see the joy.
And, so I reach out to you. Mostly, I want to thank you for your blog but I also feel like I need someone to get past the “what you’re doing for these kids is great” and get into the parts where I hear some of the joys of having five kids from someone who has five kids.
So… what can you tell me? Besides what you’ve told me in your blog posts? Anything?
If you can pacify me with a “Five times the sparklers on the Fourth of July!” comment… or something more… I would appreciate it.
If not, I get it.
And, if nothing else, thanks for just letting me send my thoughts ‘out there.’ (It’s very freeing)
Evan
……….
Parents Everywhere, did this part slay you?
I worry that I sometimes feel like we’re running a breakfast-eating, getting-dressed, do-your-homework factory rather than a family.
And I don’t want to let the worry consume me to the point where I can’t see the joy.
It pierced me right in the heart. Killed me dead. Because this? Is Parenting, friends.
I fired off a quick response Tuesday night.
……….
Evan!
a) Your email was rad. I’ll respond at length later but I only have my phone with me right now which makes for a lot of PBS finger typing. (See? That was supposed to read “one finger typing.” I think I’ve made my case.)
b) You & your partner are rad. I know, I know – we’re supposed to be all “we’re not heroes” and “oh, the kids aren’t the lucky ones; we’re the lucky ones!” But can’t we just acknowledge? We’re ALL the lucky ones — us AND the kids — and hot damn we’re rad for standing up for these kids! Yes? Yes. Go, us!
c) Thank you for asking Opinionated Me for advice & inspiration. I have two teenagers, so I’ll take all the People Who Think I Know Something I can get.
d) Dude. Sparklers with 5 kids sucks. That’s 5x the sticks of potentially raging inferno or eye loss. There’s a lot I like about having 5 kids. Giant batches of cookies, for example. Excuses to never have a clean house. But sparklers aren’t one of them.
K. My PBS fonger is all worn out. (Fonger? Seriously, Spell Check? That’s not one you’re going to catch? I love you, SC, but I DO NOT GET YOU.) More soon. Give my live to your partner, too. Or my love. Either way.
Beth
Sent from my iPhone
……….
You guys, once upon a time, Greg and I accidentally had 5 kids. I mean, we can be held intentionally responsible for 3 out of the 5, but the other two crash landed in our crop field before we really knew what was happening, and it’s been a wild, wild ride and trampled corn ever since.
Now Evan and his family are joining the magic and the chaos, which is what happens sometimes when you let Love run roughshod over your Plans, and I’d sure love to gift their family with JOY.
Would you join me, friends? Whether you have 1 or 100 children, would you share just one thing about this crazy kid-life that brings you joy?
……….
UPDATE: Thank you and thank you and thank you for showing up in a big way for Not Evan, folks. You made a difference to a dad in need. A big difference. Over the last few years, I’ve come to truly, deeply trust your hearts, and it was my utter privilege to get to share you with Not Evan. He wrote a letter I’ll share with you below, but I wanted you to hear my gratitude, too. Thank you for making this place awesome. I am so proud of our Village.
Not Evan
SUBSCRIBE TO MY FEED
FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
I had my kids one at a time, and it was great that I got to learn what makes them tick and tock as they grew but I still feel like I can’t do enough. When I get overwhelmed I try and remember LOVE multiplies, it doesn’t divide. When I can’t cuddle one of the little ones I can depend that one of the older ones will. Where I fall short as a parent the kids always amaze me and we come through as a family. Even having raised them their whole life they have some habits that I wish they didn’t (and can only blame myself), that’s part of raising them. According to my mom, I’m still a work in progress sometimes
.
It must be unbelievably hard to start with 1 and jump to 5 but having a stable loving family will do more to help them than you can imagine and I’ll pray for you (whatever your faith) that you will have all you need emotionally, physically and financially to make it through the good and bad times.
Like:
+1
Wow! Evan (or fake Evan as you are). I want to echo something that Beth said you are a being a hero for these kids. A go the distance, fight the dragon, face the challenges, get beat up, broken down, and pride and reward hero for these kids. I have two children that I have had the privilege to grow up with. I can not imagine what five kids who have all been in the foster system who are suddenly living together can be like, but thank you for taking the risk. Joy does not happen all the time, but when it does it is magical and intoxicating.
Five kids is a lot of kids!! Especially to get all at once. One thing I have learned from Beth is that you will need support and friends. Good luck and God bless you and your bravery.
Like:
+1
I just have to tell you that I am a mom of three (5, almost 3 and a 3 month old [who was supposed to be a twin]), and while I was reading this, my almost 3yo who is almost potty trained (3 days in a row! Until just now..) decided to poop in her pants, hide her pants in the laundry room, where my in-law’s dog we are dogsitting (I hate dogs btw) found said pants and tried to eat them but my 5 year old found her in the process. Can’t imagine five. I can’t even pretend like I contain my three! Good luck! You are braver than I am! All I know is that God gives us the grace for what He gives us. We might not always get it right. That is okay. We’re just asked to do our best and beg Him for the strength to do the rest. He’ll meet us there!
Like:
+1
OMG…I get the breakfast, dressing, and homework factory! add in sports activities, driving a taxi, shower and get into bed! I was a mom to 7 great boys and was flying by the seat of my pants and and believe me it was organized chaos, when I stood up in a social services meeting saying I would take in my cousins two children, hello to 9 kids! today there are 4 no really 5 teenagers and joy can be fleeting. we all need to pat ourselves on the back. Parenting is hard and can be a routine assembly factory to get through the day, but we love them even when they drive us nuts. and a hug or a picture from them can make it all better, or if its one of those days, once they are all asleep walk into their room and watch them, whisper in their ear they are loved. sleeping angels!
Like:
+2
I love you all!!!!
OK… I have four kids. (Sometimes it feels like five, but I only OCCASSIONALLY tell the amazing man I call mine that!) And yes, I VERY accidentally have four kids!! One because I was too young to be mommy, two because… I guess you can’t ever say you weren’t trying, can you? And four because I’m the “EVIL STEP MONSTER”.
My daughter is a typical preteen and I feel like I’m failing miserably at this “mom” thing a good 90% of the time.
My son falls somewhere on the Austism spectrum…. Very brilliant, VERY high functioning, SWEET as southern tea!!! But we can go from zero to nuclear reactor in a heart beat!
My (step)-son is fairly non-verbal due to ear problems the first two years of his life.
And my (step)-daughter is your typical four year old, first grandbaby, PRINCESS!!!
Oh yha, and did I mention that after being a single parent for so long, I run my house with military precision (which has since gone out the window with the doubling of children; much to my snapping, yelling, and stomping feet in dismay).
And now, the glimmer of hope:
My hunny and I were having a bit of a tiff over schedules, I’d worked until 5:30pm, the kids had to be at church at 6:30pm. I was tired, I was wore out; and there will still dishes to be done, laundry to wash/dry/hang/choose for the next day, the typical million things to do once the work day part of the adventure is over. Tiffing or not, my amazing man managed to pick up all four kids and have them home with dinners eaten and homework done by the time I can SCREAMING through the door at 6pm. At this point, I hadn’t seen the littlest littles since Friday morning and its now Wednesday night. (TOTAL TORTURE!!!) I walked through the kitchen and when my four year old princess spotted me in the dinning room…. She RAN across the living room, LEPT into my arms, and just HUGGED her little heart out!!!! If there is ever a moment that exemplifies how much I love those kids, THAT was it!!!! MOST PRECIOUS THING EVER!!!!!
So… When you worry that the “sometimes feel like we’re running a breakfast-eating, getting-dressed, do-your-homework factory rather than a family. And I don’t want to let the worry consume me to the point where I can’t see the joy.” DON’T WORRY!! Because amazingly enough, our children seem to have a magical ability to ALWAYS REMIND US HOW MUCH JOY THERE IS IN BEING A PARENT!!!
Oh, and PS – WOW!!! You two are AMAZING!!!!! I wish there were more people like you willing to give good homes to kiddos in need AND keep them together!!! My heart goes out to you!!!
<3
Like:
+1
I, too, have five and got there one at a time, over the course of (just under) seven years. The thought of having all those kids all at once?! CRAZY. So the fact that you even considered doing this is awesome thing number one. I’ve had a few of “those days” lately – my youngest is crawling like a maniac and his older siblings aren’t very good at keeping tiny things off of the floor.
But you know, every once in awhile, I get these moments: my oldest is in the bath (I homeschool
), my second and third are playing outside in the snow, my fourth is having his nap and the baby is snuggling with me at my desk. Oh, and the sky is blue and the sun is shining. Sometimes I just have to carry those moments in my pocket because I’m going to have other, not so shiny ones a lot. And like she said, it’s normal. It’s parenting. Comes with the territory and all that. Doesn’t make it easier but at least we’re not alone!
Like:
+1
I. Adore. This. Post.
Seriously.
I think it may very well be my favorite ever.
And I only(?) acquired two amazing stepsons when I got married (baby on the way, too, btw) but it’s already been a wild chaotic ride. My hat is off to this couple. And the kids.
Oddly enough, even though I don’t have five kids (yet) I DO have something to say. It was one of the best pieces of advice I received when I jumped into this insane and wonderful stepmom role. (I hate the word stepmom, btw. The boys call me “mom” and I really am, so let’s just leave it at that, okay?)
Here’s the best advice I received:
In the middle of all the ways you feel (and will continue to feel) like a failure as a mom, remember that loves covers a multitude of sins. Those failures may not be literally sins, but in all the ways you will feel like you have mishandled something, have been impatient, have misjudged, have been too harsh, have been too lenient, have been too…. whatever… remember that love covers a lot. And kids KNOW when you love them. And even when you really DO mishandle something, and you know it, and the kids know it, they will also know that you tried, that you did your best… that you’re a human – who loves them. And when you genuinely love them, they’ll forgive an awful lot. And will still think you’re an incredible mom.
I’m picking up an awful lot of love expressed in that letter, Evan-or-whatever-your-name-really-is. I think you’re going to be just fine. And so will the kids.
Here’s to happily-even-after!! *click* (Hey, I can’t say *clink* because tupperware doesn’t clink.)
Like:
+2
That is beautiful advice. Thank you for sharing it.
Like:
+1
This is good advice. And it’s important to note, especially for those of us who get to walk the longer road of learning to love bigger kids who enter our families a little more formed, that Love is both a feeling and a choice, and that when the feeling doesn’t come easily we can still Choose Love and invite it in and it comes. It does.
(I’m clunking my glass back at you.
)
Like:
+1
“Love is a choice”
Man! I am choosing to love the heck out of that statement. SO what I needed to hear at this very moment.
Like:
+1
Well, I was (barely) holding it together until I got to Ruby. Man, did I miss the mark on SO many occasions while raising my first 5 (which also by the grace of God occurred one at a time – in the space of 11 years.) But I love them so much that it quite literally hurts. I pray SO HARD that they will overcome by shortcomings as their mother. Now we have our middle age blessing, #6 which was the BEST SURPRISE EVER. And even though I am a much better parent now (a loving partner makes such a difference!) life is still eat-your-breakfast-clean-up-your-Legos-time-to-go-to-soccer/basketball/church-cover-your-mouth-when-you-sneeze/cough-go-in-the-bathroom-to-fart-put-that-thing-away crazy wonderful!
Stay strong, “Evan.” And pray. And keep coming here for your dose of “real.”
Like:
+1
MY shortcomings. On a PC – no excuse.
Like:
0
I have 4, over the course of 6 years, and sometimes have to remind myself to enjoy the good parts despite the bedtime wars and terrible twos. The things I like most:
- Whenever the toddler hasn’t seen me in a while and I show up, he comes running with a big smile and a sweet little ‘HI! HI! HI!’
- Sharing the cartoon “She-Ra” with my 5 and 6 year olds.
- Whenever my oldest tries to explain something, and she uses totally unconventional language, because she hasn’t been around in this world long enough to know the way people usually say it.
- The sleeping baby, heavy in my arms.
- Watching the toddler learn to jump.
- Seeing the oldest two in imaginary play together…not fighting, both coming up with ideas, both participating, laughing, and focused on each other.
- Anytime any of them make any of the other ones laugh.
Like:
+1
The days my teenage boy deigns to hug me back, and actually tell me he loves me. The cuddles I still get from the Kindergardener AND the 2nd grader. The way they rally around me when I cry at a movie. When the kindergardener tells me he wants to help in the kitchen, so he can be a Ninja Fresh (Iron Chef). Many, many great moments, not all remembered during the morning craziness or when one is throwing themselves on the floor screaming because I didn’t pour the milk the right way. It’s all part of it. And it’s all worth it. and bless you for taking in those great kids – talk about finding your purpose in life!
Like:
+1
Crying crying crying over this post! Maybe pre-menstrual, but whatever. Tears of joy over the beautiful thing you are choosing to do for these children. Tears of sadness knowing that it will be really difficult at times, and sometimes it will not seem like it is worth it or like you can continue. But I hope for you that you always remember that you CAN do anything you truely set your mind to do. And also please remember that we ALL struggle and ALL second guess and ALL want to quit, sometimes, whether our kids are biological or chosen. Hold the good times close, enjoy them when they come, and when things are tough this is my favorite mantra, given to me by my wonderfully patient and supportive mother: “This, too, shall pass.”
Like:
+1
Geez, these posts all made me cry! As one of five kids, who now has 3 of my own, I can say that for sure being in a big family is THE BEST! Even if it’s not perfect all the time, and the parents don’t have tons of time for each kid. Crazy dinners where everyone is talking at once and laughing and teasing and sometimes fighting (and my dad didn’t say a word because he couldn’t compete with the girls in the family)? My favorite. Traditions that work half the time and end in a fight or whatever the other half? Good, good memories. All the bad gets glossed over (or worked out in therapy) and the good times, and crazy weird times stay with you. My siblings and I are as different as can be, we’ve all done things (awful things, serious things, illegal things, rehab things, etc.) that put the whole family through difficult ordeals, but we love, love, love each other something fierce and most of the time we’d pick each other over the company of anyone else. Even though we fought like cats and dogs most of the time growing up. And we got jealous of the attention the others got. And we said really mean things and thought we hated each other. And maybe did hate each other just a little. We loved each other more than all of that, and we still do. It gives me a lot of hope for my kids, whether we only have 3 or we eventually add to our family, they’ll have some of those same feelings about their siblings and that means the future (at least eventually) is really bright.
Like:
+1
This was wonderful. It is exactly how I see my children. And I do bellieve LOVE is the answer. As a parent we give Love all the time the best way we know how even though sometimes it doesn’t look like it.
Like:
+1
Dang, I only have TWO kids, and let me say this:
I am not organized, I am no longer patient (I once thought I was…and I do TRY to be, honest) and even with only two kiddos both of them biologically mine, (and totally unequivocally AWESOME) I still struggle with their….um… personalities. And I feel like I’m running a “breakfast-eating, getting-dressed, do-your-homework factory rather than a family”.
On the other hand, as an adopted child whose adopted mother refused to accept that I already had my own personality when adopted and was emotionally abused because of it…I cheer that you actually are considering this aspect of your new family. The best thing I can say, is remind them daily that you love THEM, no matter what. No matter if they behave in a different manner than you would prefer, no matter if they decide to pursue careers you don’t get, or whatever condition you can think of. Celebrate who they were before your family came to be as much as who they as now that they have the freedom and security to really thrive. Because from where they were, is what will shape who they are, and who they become.
As long as you remind them daily that they don’t have to work for a place in your family, or for your love…that you won’t ever stop loving them…the rest falls into place…some days it will feel factory-esque and then there will be days when all of the planets align, God smiles down on you and you have a perfect, blissful, movie-esque day (or more likely 5 minutes) and you will realize that day (5 minutes) makes all the rushing, whining, crying, working, cooking, not-sleeping worth it. And you’ll be glad you did it, and even crazy enough to want to do it all over again.
ANd yeah, you and your partner are Rad.
Like:
+2
Bethany, thank you for so generously sharing your experience as an adoptee. I cannot express how much my friends who were adopted have nudged my thinking over the years toward greater and greater sympathy and understanding for my kids. I love this… “Celebrate who they were before your family came to be as much as who they as now that they have the freedom and security to really thrive.” YES.
Like:
+2
DOUBLE. YES.
Thank you, Bethany.
Those sweet spirits are who they are. Help them see the good in themselves and you will NEVER regret it…Evan and partner, You can do hard. :0) God bless you and your sweet “instant” family.
Like:
+2
Hi Evan-Not-Really-Evan!
I have 5 kids! It’s cra-zy, let me tell you. I’ve had all of mine for all of their lives, so that part is probably easier. However, I am – or was – a teacher. I say “was” because last Friday was my last day. My husband is a pastor, and we decided that with two jobs that require energy and patience and giving of yourself over and over again, we weren’t making it. We weren’t enjoying the chaos. We were surviving life. Always in a hurry. “Run here. Go here. Finish this. Listen to me!” Or, like you put it (way better, btw): “running a breakfast-eating, getting-dressed, do-your-homework factory rather than a family.” So, I quit (teaching in my district has morphed into a beast I don’t particularly like, but that’s another story about why I quit instead of the hubs).
It’s only been a week. But I can’t even begin to tell you how much more like a family we feel. We’ve played outside with the kids 3 times this week. Eaten dinner together – I think – every night (what can I say? my memory hasn’t improved any). Checked homework without yelling or tears – a feat in and of itself, right? (I am absolutely terrible at remembering to check homework!) So, I don’t know if that’s even a possibility for you, but I wanted to share what we’ve done in case it gives you an idea. Consider it. See if there’s any little thing you can cut back on to make things easier for you guys. As teachers, you pour your heart and soul into other people’s kids – a truly admirable thing. For this teacher, I had to stop doing that in order to pour more into the kids in my home. Truly, this is just me and my experience. It may not be at all what you all need. In that case, nod your head and move on. No hard feelings.
But, just in case this is what you needed to hear, I’m saying it.
I wish all of you the best of luck as you figure out how to enjoy the journey you’re on together.
~Kristi at My Cup Runs Over
http://www.kristinewman.blogspot.com
Like:
+1
I love this.
I loved what someone else said, that even when the kids are biological, we still wonder why we did it, what were we thinking, am I really cut out for this mama stuff (even though I’ve wanted it for as long as I can remember). I have two rambunctious boys, 18mos & 3 yrs and when my younger was born I remember thinking, “Why would anyone want to have 3 kids?!” because the adjustment was so. hard. Most of the time I think, “I have no idea what I’m doing or how to reach this kid.” So know that you’re not alone.
Remember that once those papers are signed, these kids are your “real kids” and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Some days feel like laundry. dinner. dishes. And other days are picnics, ice cream, walks. Cherish the good days and on the bad days ignore the dishes, put your feet up with a glass of wine if that’s your thing, give your partner a kiss and remind each other that even though this life is messy-crazy-chaotic-did-that-really-just-happen-insane that you wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Like:
+1
Amen and amen to that first sentence. I have four kids, and the youngest is now sixteen. They’re all biological, but I SO many times wondered how I ended up with them–I am just not really a baby person. And then I homeschooled them…WHAT? I am SO not organized, not together. The bad days were really bad, and I’ve felt like a failure many, many times, but I have to say that God fills in the gaps, and we have four of the greatest kids ever. We have a wonderful time together I love them all dearly. It is So worth it.
Like:
+1
I worked really hard to have two kids. It took 5 years in total, which is not as long as some, but a lot longer than many. So I was sure I wanted them. Before I got to know them. And now some days I’m not so sure. Unfortunately, I am purely responsible for all genetics and nuturing, so no one else to blame here. But of course I would do it all over again – it’s not going to kill me and it will make me stronger. I will have something to show for my life at the end of it, the good, bad and ugly.
On being a breakfast, dressing, homework factory – this is a boy in my son’s class who is perpetually late, like nearly everyday. His parents are young, and both gainfully employed, so I assume they are able to get to work on time, at least often enough to stay employed. But their workdays must start later than school, because getting to school on time doesn’t seem to be a priority. It strikes me that it takes considerable commitment to the value of getting to school on time to change one’s routine and get up early enough to make it happen. And the more kids you have, the more monumental the task, so kudos to you. But the point is that you care enough to feed, clothe and shuttle these kids not originally your own, and that is more than they have had from others in their lives who were not able for whatever to make their care a priority. The fact that you are able and willing to do so is a huge gift and these kids are so far ahead of the game under your care. Sprinkle all that factory work with a good dose of love, and that is all we can ask from you. Keep on keepin’ on.
I almost forgot about the joy – sometimes I feel so disconnected to my kids because my needs/wants/likes/dislikes just seem so different at times. Last week I was reading Captain Underpants #9 with my 7-year-old and we both broke into guffaws when we saw the flashback to what George looked like in Kindergarten and it was an amazing feeling to for that brief moment be totally in sync and both find the same thing hilariously funny. Likewise, after months of struggling to get my 3-year-old back and forth to school pick-up/drop-off everyday (will you walk the whole way? do you need the stroller?) all of a sudden the kid wants to pretend he’s on a motorcycle and *run* nearly the whole way there. The parents in the cars driving by must wonder what we are doing running down the road, but I don’t care – we are getting to school on time and gosh-darn-it riding motorcycles is fun!
Anyway, chin up and keep up the good work
Like:
+1
Darcie, THIS is why I love watching my kids get older. Those “in-sync” moments happen more and more often. Just wait, mama, there’s a herd of moments heading your way.
Like:
+1
I have three half sisters, on my dad’s side, none of us grew up together, we all lived with our moms. Each of us has a different mom. Or dad is a deadbeat. He is homeless now, living in a tent in a patch of woods in a big city. How I wish we could have lived together, supporting each other in the dysfunction we were growing up in. I wish I’d had a partner & sister when I was moving around from family to family, not in the foster system, in the ..friend of a friend system. I also have 4 half brothers on my mom’s side. She put them all up for adoption. I wish I knew them. I’m not sure they know about me. What you’re doing is so RAD.
I have 2 kids if my own. My son is spirited, persistent, exhausting, energetic, overwhelming and needy. He’s one of *those* boys that its just *more* boy. My daughter is 14 months, and just starting to show off some of her spunk. my most joyful time right now is when I make time each day for special time with my son during nap, and we play uno, or he helps me bake a pie. Her is amazing when I assume her is capable, and let him show me.
Like:
+1
Thank you for sharing your story, Taylor. I just reread it tonight, and I love you for it.
Like:
0
As a child protective social worker I am so grateful to angels like you who take that leap of faith to bring children into your home and your heart!!! There is NOTHING harder then removing children from one situation just to split them up!!! Every day they have parents who love and care for them is a blessing! The more you can be open to understanding each of their experiences of where they have come from the easier it will be for them to trust in their new family. Things will shift and change regardless of your family size, embrace the crazy and let their smiles fill your hearts with joy!!!
Bless you and your family!!!
Like:
+1
Well, this made me cry. In the best way! I have two thoughts about this situation: The first is that Evan and his partner have already done the hard part–it was a steep learning curve to get to know the kids–but now they’re there! You still have to learn with them and grow with them and love them through their gawky teenage years, but they aren’t strangers anymore and if you love them and they love you you are already a family! And number two: my dad has two bio kids (me and my sister) and got two stepkids when he remarried. It was hard for him to parent kids who had their own dads and weren’t particularly interested in being angels for their new stepfather. But now that we’re all adults when we get together for family gatherings my father just GLOWS. He radiates joy. He never expected to have a big family, but he does and it makes him so ridiculously happy. I expect that when you get through the tough part of raising those kids and they come back for Thanksgiving and start bringing their own babies to your house you will be repaid a million, trillion times for any of the rough patches that it takes to get you there. Congrats on finalizing the bond you already have with your awesome children!
Like:
+1
I “only” have 3 children. But I want 5. Or 6 or 8. On the other hand, I know that learning curve you are talking about. It looks impossible to climb and it isn’t even as steep as yours because our children only came one at a time. And I know the worry about raising them without truly giving them what they need. Recently when the worry starts to get to me, I think of what it is like to see one of them really GET IT. Whether its my 2 year old discovering he can say “no thank you” and actually be heard or finding out he really can get the gum out of Mommy’s purse and eat it all before Mommy finds him. Or seeing the joy in my 4 year old’s face when she understands what “opposites” are or discovers she can build a train track as cool as her brother’s. Or watching my 6 year old discover some new fact about Mercury or Jupiter or drag a “treasure” (and old fence post) home from the woods out back. I love to see their eyes light up with understanding, a spontaneous grin when they stumble onto something new or magical.
Like:
+1
I had three boys in three years. Life is loud and hectic in our house. But there are moments like tonight when I watched my 4 year old hold his baby brother’s head still while Nathan got his medicine, murmuring to him the whole time that it was alright and he’s a good boy, that I am overwhelmed by the pure love and joy our children bring into our home.
Like:
+1
This email was obviously written by a parent! Evan, that is exactly what you are. That has to speak something to you, right? Welcome to the most unexplained adventure of your life!
I am a mother to only two (which is less than half of five), and expecting our third in July. (So will that put us right at half?
) The JOY I get from my boys is really hard to put into words, but since they are in bed and the house is picked up, I seem to be overflowing. My oldest also has had some virus, so I have been really tending to him. This makes me realize how much I don’t want him to feel bad. He is only four. The JOY comes from moments when I look upon them when they are sleeping, and they always look so big in their beds. They are growing under my care, and somehow still living (mainly because I tend to want to eat a lot and so they eat off my plate, and because I REALLY want grandchildren some day!)! But really the joy comes from their laughter, their excitement about things like going to Cici’s, and from the moments like tonight when my sick boy said “Mom. Sometimes at night when I don’t feel good, and I call you in here, you give me medicine, because that is what you do.” It wasn’t very profound in writing terms, but to me, it meant the world. He was expressing that I care about how he feels, and that I always try to do something about it.
Even though they might not see it now, eventually they will. They will see what you did for them, and they will be so grateful! And, one day, (hopefully not before they are ready) one of them will hand you a baby, and call it your grandchild, and you will overflow! So I’m told! So keep on loving them, despite their quirks, and do whatever you can to show them your love!
Like:
+1
First: Wow! U guys r amazing.
I’m pregnant with no.5 which I’m kind of hoping is like having 5 (let me live in denial a bit longer!) Totally get the production line thing. Someone made a comment about it while I was showering the kids the other day. I’m a teacher too and I think this makes it harder sometimes because my expectations of myself can be rediculous: my wonderful husband takes a moment to tell me to relax.
Awesome things about lots of kids:
The drs receptionist knows u & accepts ur judgement on when an appointment is urgent or not, without question.
Shopping and getting good deals for big ticket items is faster and easier. My husband just calls and asks for a price, mentioning he doesn’t want to have to bring his 4 kids in to haggle: instant best price!!
People think ur great just because you survive. Awesomeness can be achieved by just having all the kids dressed nicely and the house clean.
You realise the small stuff really is small and can ignore it easier.
Joy? So much. 4 little people who at times tell me I’m the best ever. Listening to them playing and laughing in the back yard. Watching them do things for each other. The feeling of triumph when all the washing (or something else) is actually done! Overhearing my older kids say to our 3yr old “you finally get to be a big brother now!! It is the best thing ever-you are so lucky!!” Having my 7yr old daughter race up to me and say “mum I’m so excited about the baby!! I’ve been thinking. It would be even better if maybe the person who takes photos of the baby in your tummy just wasn’t paying attention and it could be twins!!! Oh I would love that!!” As tomorrow is Australia Day for us, the contagious excitement that bounces from one to another and grows about something as simple as fireworks.
My favourite thing is that I get to check on 4 sleeping angels before I go to bed. No matter what has gone on through the day, at that moment, when I give each one a last kiss, everything is right with the world and I am at peace. Note: I also silently give myself a high 5 that I made it though another day with 4. Lol!
Like:
+1
Hey Not-Really-Evan!
I have three. They are currently 9, 7, and 5. And it doesn’t matter if you’ve had them since birth or not – they are going to have quirks that you find annoying and that you have no control over.
But you wanted joy. What I find joyful about having more than two (gathered from observing my own family and other families) is that they become their own unit. They have an identity that is related to me and related to each of them individually, but mostly is just their own thing. My kids are known by their names individually and as The H——- Kids. There is joy and belonging in that.
Also, I have noticed that even though they bicker and pester at home, in public – particularly in a very busy or large or crowded space, they look out for each other. They hold each other’s hands as we get off the bus or train. They scan the room at the library looking for each other. They negotiate how we spend time at a street fair or amusement park or science museum. (They aren’t always super successful at this part, but they are far better at it in these places than they are when deciding on a movie to watch at home.) This hand-holding and literally looking for each other warms my heart and brings me peace.
They also like to make each other laugh. Not always at the best times, but timing is a difficult concept for many adults I know, so I have to cut them a little slack.
Peace to you. You are brave. And probably more than a little crazy. And you probably won’t ever bring about peace in the middle east. But I am confident that you will bring bits of peace into the lives of these five kids and probably exponentially more people as they take their bits of peace and multiply them and share them around.
Good on ya, Not-Really-Evan!
Like:
+1
We have 5 teenagers, and for a year we also had 4 sisters living with us. So for one crazy year, we had 9 kids in the house. Not sure how we lived through that, but in a beautiful way our two families are still inextricably bound. What gives me the most joy and peace is keep the whole lifespan in perspective. Who would I be if I had not been given 5 (9) children to care for? And knowing kids who have lost their mothers and fathers to divorce or death, I can see the loss that never leaves their faces. I never want my kids to live a day without my love surrounding them, because as nuts as life is in our home, we belong to one another.
Think about all those grown up little boys on the NFL fields still yelling, “Hi, Mom!” into the TV screen. Kids don’t remember and catalog everything the way adults do, and love keeps no record of wrongs. Big families are the best! I know because I lived through my own big family too.
Being there is half the battle in parenting. The other half is to live in the present and love the one you’re with — do everything as an expression of love. Sure sometimes responsibilities feel like factory work to the parent, but kids still thrive in regularity and the security of the home where everybody knows their name.
All the best to you. No excuses; no regrets.
Like:
+1
As one of 5 siblings and a mother of 3 (which can feel like 9 some days), I can empathize with your fears and need for reassurance. I was almost always glad to be one of 5 kids; it made my family feel special and interesting, and still does. Holidays will always be one big bundle of Wow as they grow into adulthood for you.
Your kids will overwhelm you some days, no matter how many there are. Today my eldest is having getting-into-college issues, my middle is finishing her first experience with high school final exams, and my youngest has 7th-grade-girl issues. I have been living by the seat of my pants for 18 years now, and am beside myself with pride right now that I actually cleaned the family room for the first time in months, literally.
I felt guilty for a long time about my youngest, feeling like she would have been better off in a more ordered, less chaotic household, or being an only child with parents who could focus on her unique needs. But I finally realized that I am uniquely suited to love her, and I know her better than anyone in the world does. Not-Evan, that’s what you and your partner are becoming to these children. No one can give them what you can: an informed, understanding love and acceptance.
You won’t always feel fine, but you will be fine.
Like:
+1
I don’t have five kids, but I have three boys (the oldest is 6) and a fourth on the way. And my husband works nights. So i understand just how hard it is to hang on to the joy in the middle of the busy.
One of the best things, for me, is how different my children are from each other. They’re all my biological children, but still so different in some ways. They see the world in different ways. I have to enjoy this on purpose–I actually keep lists of things i like about each member of my family, to reread and add to when I feel fed up with that one. (I need to look at the 4yo’s list, come to think of it.) And with more kids there’s always something new–always some new skill or development to enjoy. Always new artwork, new stories (although right now they’re all about Angry Birds). They are better than I am at things, sometimes.
Good luck to you, “Evan,” and thank you for the reminder to look for the joy. I totally needed it.
Like:
+1
Reading that email I just felt so much awe and respect for not-Evan and his partner! So many of us would have responded to the gut feeling that 5 children wasn’t part of the plan, or made some other excuse, instead of accepting the challenges that presented themselves. I have only two children but, as others have already said, some days there’s still that “production-line” feeling, but working as a nanny till recently I’ve witnessed how much fun there is to be had in having more children around, and how much the children all learn from being around each other. (Although seriously I admire you parents of bigger families!) What brings me joy about my girls is their personalities: that they can be so different even though they have the same parents, the elder is serious and studious and very placid, the younger wears her heart on her sleeve and is all extremes, either squealing with laughter or screaming with rage (exhausting but delightful!). I took a lot of pleasure in seeing them learn to talk and all the adorable mistakes they made. I love their completely innocent, uninformed point of view on life and the conviction with which they hold it. I love most of all that they really do forgive me when I make mistakes and that they understand so much more of what’s going on in my head than I give them credit for. All the best to you, not-Evan, may God give you all the wisdom and energy you require.
Like:
+1
I’m one of four children, and now have twins of my own. Two’s enough – but my mother’s gynaecologist told her that at least with four kids there would always be one who was being nice – the more the kids, the greater the chances! All the other lovely posts on here are far more eloquent than mine, so I’ll stop at that… you guys rock!
Like:
+1
HI Evan! I am currently pregnant with #7 and two of our kids are adopted from foster care. We have done every other pregnancy as a pair with an adoption; 1 kid to 3 kids to 4 kids to 6 kids. It’s crazy and it’s definitely not always fun. But when it is fun (and it’s fun more often than not) it’s the best kind because it’s shared with so many. When we tell stories about last summer there are 8 different memories about the same event and our full family can create such a beautiful picture of our true experiences. When we go around the table at night and talk about our day it’s 8 different days with new and exciting stories from each person. I’m sure my kids will remember the times that I fell apart and did it all wrong but I think too that they will remember the mornings were they sat and built legos with a room full of siblings, or curled up under blankets to watch a movie as a family.
We also have been blessed with two special needs kiddos. What a blessing they are just because they are here but also they have given to my typical children compassion and understanding that only comes from living with a special needs sibling. Our kids are so used to all of the wild and crazy that is our family that they can meet and engage with anyone without thinking twice.
All of that to say that big families are hard but awesome. And adopted or not different kids are going to have different personalities and memories of your life together. So enjoy the great days, make memories every chance you get, remind your children of their first family (if appropriate) and tell them how how much you love that they came to be your family, cry in the bathroom when the days are too hard and find a community that will support you as both the parent of lots of kids and an adoptive parent. And be blessed by the quirkiness, your whole family is better for each bit of it.
Like:
+1
As a mama to 3, I always tell my new mama friends that “parenting brings the highest highs and the lowest lows.” When you’re rocking the colicky baby at umpteenth o’clock, or the two year old just chucked his dinner onto the feeshly scrubbed floor, or your heart aches for the kid who got picked on at school, you’ll shake your head and wonder why you got into this crazy gig and how you’ll ever get out.
But when you park the car in the driveway and leave it running so that you can sing along with the dance party in the backseat, or the 4 year old draws you a picture so you don’t miss her when you’re away, or the two year old finally says “I did it!!!”, or the baby just smiles… You’ll look at your partner and say…”THIS is why we signed up for this crazy gig, and I don’t ever want to get out.”
Wishing you many “highs” but just enough “lows” to make you appreciate the “highs” all the more.
Oh, and wine. Wishing you that, too.
Like:
+1
Just learned about your blog and read “Evan’s” letter. I have five kids myself and we have a wild and crazy life but I wouldn’t change a thing. My five children are the best thing that’s ever happened to us! “Evan” is also a family member of mine and I am extremely proud of what he is doing – he is an amazing man! xo
Like:
+1
Pseudo-Evan and Partner,
Hang in there. I have four daughters and the youngest 2 are 1 year old twins. Life is crazy every single day and I never have enough time to spend with each kid, my house is always a mess and I’m constantly late. But my heart is full to the point where I may go into cardiac arrest, my daughters have built in best friends for life and my husband’s and my relationship has never been stronger. Yes, you will have days where you wonder where the hell the capable and organized you went and who is this pajama clad, blabbering, hot mess-but every parent has those moments, adoptive or biological. You will relish in every milestone big and small, feeling a sense of pride you didn’t know you were capable of having. You will be proud of those first steps, first words (slightly less proud perhaps when you realize the baby can say her big sister’s name so clearly because you scream it approximately 8,943 times a day-oh, wait-that’s me) and you will even be heartbroken at times too. But Pseudo Evan and Partner, this is parenting. It’s a wild and thrilling ride but it is so worth it. Best of luck to the both of you and your beautiful family.
Like:
+1
Pseudo-Evan–
I have 5.5 kids. I had set out to have 4 with my first husband, and we did. But then we got divorced (it had nothing to do with the kids, which frankly were the only glue that kept us together, as we both adore them). Then I got remarried, to a wonderful man who was willing to move in with 4 kids, aged 4-10 (perhaps he would understand how you feel…), and has come to love them as his own.
He and I have had one together, and are expecting again in June. _Everyone_ in our family (barring the toddler, who is unaware) is absolutely _delighted_ about our newest addition!
It can be all too easy to get lost in the mire of everyday tasks, chores, and dramas! For a very long time, we had a dinnertime tradition: during the meal, we would go around the table, and each one of us would share with the others what our favorite part of the day was. Trying this may help you to see the joy hidden under the surface of your daily shenanigans.
I love how whenever one of us goes out for a few hours (like my husband to work, or one of the kids to an outside class–we homeschool, so I’m with the whole gang all day, every day), when the person comes home, they get a truly joyful greeting from each person that stayed behind! Even the 16-month-old will yell “Dada!” when he sees my husband come home, and wants to be held by him and won’t allow him to put him down.
I also really love how we work as a unit out in public, whether it is attacking the grocery store with a massive list, going to eat with the grandparents, or a day of sledding, with them cooperating, helping each other, and finding joy in their surroundings.
In fact, seeing the world through young, innocent eyes is one of my favorite parts of parenting. What’s so cool is that the older kids (at 12 and 14, they’re sometimes beyond the point of thinking the world is amazing and magical) are now re-experiencing the world with wonder through their littlest brother.
I hope you find the joy in your everyday surroundings, as you continue to let these little (and not so little!) people grow on you!
Like:
+1
Hi Evan and family,
I would like to mention, sometimes the partners get lost in the “busy-ness” of the family cycle. I would like to encourage you to keep up with each other, we tend to text a lot, from different rooms in the house, if necessary. To check in, and be affectionate. It helps our kids feel more secure about us, as a family to see their parents love each other and be on the same team, most of the time.
Sometimes, it’s okay to let a few expectations slip. Let the clean house go let some expectations go, this won’t last forever. Bathtime is my favorite, then comes bed, and we review what they remember of the day… usually something I totally forgot, or thought wasn’t worth remembering. They are paying attention! Imagine that! After bedtime, it’s my turn, I take an hour to read a “fun” book, or clean something that’s really bothering me, or I check in with my husband and make sure we are still on the same page.
Like:
+1
Evan – I would hug you if I could. The most encouraging thing I can say is that you are way ahead of the curve since you already “get” that it will be painfully hard and unrewarding at times (most of the time if we are honest). So you won’t have to go through the shattered dreams stage and the where did I go wrong phase and the who can I blame phase. (You will still, however, go through the “what were we thinking” phase numerous times – sorry). The reality is that all parenting is hard. Parenting children with abuse, neglect, separation, foster care and “other” issues is even harder and more unpredictable. See? You already get that part! Good for you! You win!
We have 3 boys. Home grown (15) with severe depression, anxiety and major school issues and 2 adopted (both as newborns) ages 10 and 7 (yes they are bio brothers and yes #3 was unplanned). When we said yes to #3 we had about 18 seconds to decide out of the blue over the phone the day he was born without knowing very much at all. I know, “they” are not supposed to do that to “us” but stuff happens. We said YES and didn’t even realize we were in shock and on a roller coaster with no seat belts until almost 6 months later when we looked in the mirror and said “who are those crazy looking people?”. Now, that tiny baby surprise is a raging 7 year old with attachment, grief and loss issues that involve expressing himself with violence, swearing and shrieking his head off – mostly at me (mom) – and often in public. You don’t really know what you are made of until you are sitting on the floor of the main isle at Target by the check-out area with a child who is thrashing around, kicking and biting you and calling you every name in the book at the top of his lungs and you hold him (well, restrain/wrestle is a more honest description) and rock back and forth whispering softly in his ear “it’s ok, you are safe, breathe sweetie, I love you, I am not going away, you are safe” while people walk by trying to figure out which one of you really needs more help.
You can do hard. You can do THIS. You are a rock star and it will suck big time a lot and you will get “hooked” and take it all personally and have to back up and start over and detach and ask for help and demand help and try and figure out how you are going to pay for all the help you are going to need, but you keep going and there are great days and ok days and terrible days and then there are amazing moments and gifts from the gods that come out of no where, like the time my 15 year old came up to me (this is the depressed, suicidal, hunching behind shaggy bangs, won’t look at anyone child) and said “I need a hug , mom” and hugged me! To The Moon And Back we go! Wheeee! And that raging 7 year old? When he isn’t doing that, he is snuggling in my arms with a book working so hard to read that it hurts my heart and when he finally (finally!) finishes a page, he looks at me with such happiness and pride and expectation and says “I can read, mom!” Whoo Hoo!
Ok – long rambling comment. The point is, we don’t know. There are no guarantees and you and your partner are making a decision to love each other and these children and do whatever it takes. It’s terrifying and it’s unknown and we do it anyway. It’s a decision a promise a choice and a commitment like no other. There are no “outs”, in my opinion, just the next level of decisions to love/help/support this child at this moment.
Take advantage of respite!!!!
All the best and when in doubt, laugh and start singing – it throws them off and shifts the energy. Have fun!
Karen
Like:
+1
Ahh yes, all parenting is about is the breakfast eating, homework doing, bedtime screaming machine…until it isn’t. Until we get to sit down with one child who proudly holds out a picture they made “just for you daddy (mommy, caregiver who actually gives a damn about me.) Some days it is all about just getting through that day, hell, that’s most days whether you have one or 10, but whether each moment is special doesn’t matter, it’s those children, adopted, birthed or somewhere in-between, knowing we have their backs, and they have our hearts that matters…the rest? Well it’s just logistics. Organization is over-rated, patience is preferred but not required…some days you just got “go with the flow” and know that love conquers ALL.
Like:
+1
I love that I get to wake up every morning to 7 happy children ready for hugs and kisses to start their days despite all of my mistakes from the night before..or day before…or week before. Take joy in those small miracles!
Like:
+1
Mother of three girls here, ages 12, 4, and 2.
The first moment of pure joy that popped into my head was this, those completely random moments when your kid runs up to you and for no apparent reason just throws their little arms around your leg, squeezes tight, looks up and says I love you Mommom. (both of my Littles call me mommom, no idea why but it’s too cute to correct!)
Those short, sweet little moments make all the chaos, fighting, messes, chaos, and well utter chaos of kids worth it in my book. It tells me that despite all that noise, lunacy, and frustration of being a parent Love, real God-like Love, comes through, they feel it and return it which just makes it all worth it. And it gives you a pleasant memory of the way your kid really does love you even if they think they’re to “grown” to show it.
Like:
+1
I was the oldest of five kids who did not grow up in a loving, accepting environment. Beth, thank you for redeeming the beauty in the midst of the chaos. I salute you because I know that you choose to see life this way and love your kids – and not everyone does. Your children are truly blessed!
I only have two kids, but I wanted to say that as they are now both early teens my favorite things about being their mom are: 1) taking them around town and to ministry places and seeing the adults in their lives honor and respect their voices and opinions because they have a lifetime of serving others already speaking for them, and 2) no matter what they call me during the day or accuse me of, at night they wander out in their mostly-unconsciousness (and therefore most honest personness) and crawl into bed with me and wrap my arms around them. Usually on nights where their days have been the roughest. I thank God for that centering to our relationship. Sometimes I mess up as a mom and their hormones are tilting constantly – but God’s gracious love is ever-present in our relationship.
Like:
+1
Oh. I read the part about being a factory, and for a brief moment, we breathed the same weary air. I worry so much that I spend too much time mothering and not enough time mommying. I’m a mother to three chickens and a rooster, aged 6,4,2, and 1. All unplanned-but-not. And reading your letter, I realised that the Moments happen all the time. They’re so ephemeral, I almost miss them from all the factory noise. Like watching a younger child imitate (somewhat unsuccessfully) her older siblings. Or my oldest acknowledging that Mum needs coffee before we go swimming. Or the hilarity of my toddler blaming a stinky fluff fluff on her daddy. Moments when inexplicably, no one cares which colour plate they have, or complains that the chicken smells gross, or no one touches anyone else. For me, the Moments are sometimes, simply an absence of unpleasantness. And that, dear Evan-who-is-not-Evan, is also Joy.
Like:
+1
I love the “MOMENTS” and I don’t love the massive heavy heart my momma chest carries
I love the victories and I struggle seeing them on some days
but here are a few:
My highly challenging adopted child is months into therapy work, medical support, and much prayer – and the other day he said, “I feel self control in my body mommy.” I passed out. What 8 year old says this? NOT this one. And he did. Cuz he can. and love does win sometimes.
My 14 year old woman child is sharing her heart with me today. I said to her last night, I love being your friend. She whispered, “I love being yours too” – as she walked into her closet to change. She will change again and again. And so will I. and Love wins sometimes.
my 16 year old son, the first born – is free. he knows his struggles with sin, and yet, he lives in no bondage to them. not every moment, but he talks about it, like that’s normal – like why don’t other people let forgiveness really be what it is? Why don’t we? cuz we sometimes forget, that love wins sometimes.
Gloria – she glows brighter than her name. Her birth mom left her – with us. With complete strangers, her and her brother. And still, she glows. She came home one day from school and said, “I still miss my birth mommy. But i know you are my family. And i get to love you too.” This two years after being adopted, and a young 8 years old. They are twins. and they have each other. and they have us. and they do miss their birth mommy. and sometimes. love wins.
and the last one. Davis. mohawk, long sock wearer – thinker of wierdest thoughts – the 3rd of five. the one who gave us his “rightful” place as “baby” and has loved tenaciously the adopted twins – and in loving has also had moments of anger and grief and struggle. this kid knows who he is, and he knows what life is about. not him. not us. but love. because love doesn’t just sometimes win. it always wins. even when we cannot see it. it does. LOVE DOES.
Like:
+1
tell Evan thank you for inspiring my Monday’s blog post. you too, crazy momma!
Like:
+1
We have seven, one of them adopted. My favorite thing? I’m never in search of a friend to go to lunch or help me with something. Is it glamorous? No way! But as they grow, their personalities and individuality are neat to watch. And yes, they can dress anyway they want as long as they dress warmly in the winter. Who cares if they wear bright pink socks with a turquoise shirt and a blue skirt with sparkly shoes to church? It’s hard and that’s all there is to that.
Like:
0
I love
….when my 2yo son pats my face and smiles at me with blinding love.
…when my 6yo step-son excitedly explains something that he has learned.
…when my 17yo son apologizes for his teenage behavior in a sincere way.
Like:
0
I love the title of this post. We used to tell people that before we were married, he wanted 2 kids and I wanted 4 so we compromised and had 5.
I tell people that the best part of having 5 kids over 16 years who are so completely different from each other is that I can know that some of it is just who they are because if it was all my fault, they would all be messed up the same.
But the joy? Ah, the joy. When you are from a larger family (I’m the oldest of 6), there is always someone else to turn to who has a connection to you. I love hearing my kids talk together as adults, discussing things and asking each others’ advice. Getting calls or notes (emails, texts) from one of my kids about a great book they read that they think I might like. The thank-you note from one for teaching them to love reading; in spite of the fact that three of my five have dyslexia and two of them were 14 before they ever read a complete book They all love a good story. Watching my son who always complained about being asked to hold his youngest sister lay on the floor with his two-year-old and read a new book; silly voices and all. There will always be bad days, but the joy, oh the joy! I could literally go on for hours telling you of my joy and pride in my kids. So worth it.
Thanks, Beth, for giving me the reason and the impetus to dwell on these things today.
Like:
+1
I should be asleep, but wanted to answer this is keeping me awake. I have only one, so I know my experience is limited, still, it contains some truths (and many sentence fragments, improperly punctuated).
I love sharing the love and pain of parenting. When your child is hurting, and you are hurting, there is an amazing intimacy in being able to turn to your partner, and not have to explain they what or the why. You’d both rather not be in pain, either of you would take more pain to spare your child, but as long as you’re in it, there is comfort in being in it together.
It is great to be in bed together at night, and share with each other the joys of that day. The things that made you laugh, or roll your eyes. The traits of your children that remind you of each other, or of your mothers, or brothers (I don’t think it matters how you get your kids, you’ll see those hot button traits in them…)
It is great to be able to share with grandparents, aunts and uncles, even friends with kids who’ve moved on to new stages the milestones of your children. Seeing the job your children bring to those you love, and who love you, fills the heart. Being able to see your parents as the younger people they were when you were your children’s ages, almost seeing your parents as though you were their parents. Being able to better understand the reasons they made the decisions they did, to better appreciate them. Being able to make them laugh when your children exasperate you the same way you did them.
Seeing your children entwine as they grow, seeing what they have in common as siblings, and seeing how the ways they differ teach them about life.
Every day, you’ll be able to look back and see the growth in you and the kids. Sometimes you’ll have to spend 5 minutes looking at pictures to draw your attention to the changes you miss when you’re with them every day, but the changes are there, and real, and meaningful. And if they’re temporary, it is only because you’re experiencing the step back for each two steps forward. You’ll move ahead again.
Being able to watch your children as they grow into adults. You’ll see your values in fits and starts. And when they get the really important ones, you’ll beam. You’ll feel so glad to know them, not as your children, but as people in their own right.
Like:
+1
I have four kids. Some bio, some adopted. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, parenting in general, and adopting specifically. It was especially hard for the first 18 months. I met face to face with parts of myself I wish never existed. But you know what? I’d walk those hard months again in a HEARTBEAT to have my son in my life. He’s magic. He’s pure, sweet magic. He has almost every health condition known to mankind, learning disabilities, mental illness, gosh darn it, he is hard work. So much hard work. But the love I feel for him is a hard won battle that is so much sweeter because of all that work. =) My pride when he accomplishes something cannot be contained in the entire solar system. My pride in myself when I dig down deep and give him more love when I want to stomp my feet and yell? Pretty big, too.
I have my other kids, too, with health issues and life issues and normal little kid issues, and WOAH NELLY is it a marathon! The best part of the marathon is that moment JUST after the last one falls asleep and I’m all **BLISS** another day accomplished. And they’re just so cute I almost want to wake them up again just to tell them how cute they are and how much I love them and want to squish them and kiss them and squish them some more!!! But I don’t actually wake them up THAT’S CRAZY TALK, BATMAN.
When they share unprompted, or get a good teacher review, or the big ones kiss the little ones’ owies for them? I cry. With joy. It’s awesome.
Parenting, and adopting, are the two hardest things I have ever done. Way harder than I ever imagined. But parenting and adopting are also the two most joy filled, rewarding, magical things I have ever done. Way better than I ever imagined it could be.
Good luck.
Keep your head up, and your game face on. Fake it til you make it. And always, always give yourself grace. Your kids are watching and learning how to give themSELVES grace when they make mistakes. Love yourself well so that they will learn to love themselves.
You’re not alone.
xo.
Like:
+1
What can I comment here when I’m all choked up with tears of just loving what I’m reading here Beth. You are so wonderful, so real. I only have two kids but still I feel like I’m running one of those factories.
One of the things that brings me temporary happiness in this kid-filled life is when I get so say, “See! I told you so!” One of the things that brings me true lasting Joy is when they actually get it, and learn from from I did tell them. Seems like we all have to learn the hard way, but its the learning that counts!
Like:
+1
What keeps me going, is when they say “I love you”, especially when they can’t say it with words. My 1 1/2 year old daughter said “wah woo” for the first time, but I knew what she meant because she snuggled her head into my neck and stretched her little arms around my shoulders and just hung on. That encapsulated how I feel so many days…I just hang on. I hang on to the immense love I feel for this little person, I hang on to my sanity, I hang on to my belief that there will be moments of joy, I hang on to the knowledge that I am doing the best I can, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s good enough.
Bigger people also sometimes can’t say “I love you” with words. They have to say it in other ways. Whether that be the brief smile, the touch, the unasked-for favour. Look for love, and you will find it. It doesn’t make the hard times any easier, it just makes them worth it.
Like:
+1
This was very concise when I composed it in my head at 4:30 this morning as I sat with my little one in a steamy bathroom to clear up her congestion. Now that I’m in the middle of cooking, laundry, and family life it might be less so.
Evan, you nailed the factory image. Yep. But I find joy as I discover more of her personality and who she is each day. For example, when she wakes up and starts roaring like a lion, when she swaddles her Froggy, or asks me if we can watch the snow outside even though it’s 4:30 in the morning. I do love those moments.
And as for biggers who already have personalities…. As one who had a big personality as a kid, who (like Beth) discovered my parents copy of Breaking the Strong Willed Child (or something like that)… I do have some thoughts even though I don’t have older kids. (Does teaching middle school count as experience?) When I found my parents copy of this book it devastated me. I thought they didn’t love me as I was, that I had to be more of something I wasn’t for them to love me. That somehow what I was, was wrong. So, whatever frustrating personalities your biggers have, consider how that trait might be positive. A stubborn child might be someone who will stand up for what s/he believes in (which is a great characteristic) and just needs to learn when to let go to get along and when to stand strong. I just think it’s so important to help kids in the tween years figure out who they are and how to be the best person that they are…. instead of telling them (or implying) that they ought to be more like someone else. I don’t think lectures are the way to do this, but I do think that reading great books about flawed characters who don’t always make great choices… reading those books with your kids and talking about them together. Asking questions together. I do think that makes a difference.
And I know you said you don’t need people to tell you what a hero you are blah blah blah. But I can’t help thinking of Seth Williams, who is our District Attorney here in Philly. Who was adopted from foster care. And how thankful I am to his foster parents. He is making some positive changes in a city I love. And maybe none of your children will grow up to be the DA in a major US city. But they will all have a better life because of your work.
And I have more to share, which I will do in a private email to Beth (and she can share with you).
Like:
+1
Just three here, all the home-made-1-at-a-time variety, but we often find ourselves in the “do your homework & pick up these dirty socks” factory…I got joy yesterday from helping #3 son with an “illustrate your book report with a LEGOs diaorama” and found myself immensly happy to be digging through the bin of LEGOs when I had like 1,000 other “urgent” things that needed doing! I later found myself getting out of my bed at 1am, searching around the house for the essential ski pass that I suddenly realized in my almost-asleep state that #2 son would need at 7am for a field trip, searching through various totes of winter clothes, searching for a flashlight (found in #3′s bed) then going through the deep, dark recesses under the back bench of our van, to no avail…but in the morning when I told #2 son that I couldn’t find his pass & he said “Oh, it’s in my left snowboard boot”, I laughed outloud at myself because all my excessive searching was not necessary. Find the joy in the ridiculous moments.
Like:
+1
I have to say if you are accomplishing “a breakfast-eating, getting-dressed, do-your-homework factory” all in one day you are way ahead of me on any given day. I have 6 children (2 sets of twins) and usually I can only accomplish one or two of those things in a day. LOL!!! I think the biggest thing I have learned (and Beth constantly reminds me through her blog) is “ITS OK!” No matter what it is you “THINK” you need to do… laundry…dishes…clothing kids… etc. As long as your kids are loved, happy, and healthy. Nothing else matters….REALLY! When my older kids were little there were several times they slept in their clothes from day, went without underwear until I could clean some, ate left over dinner for breakfast, etc because that is all I could muster up those days… But my kids don’t remember any of that. They remember books being read, bike rides, wrestling on the floor, hugs and kisses and most of all LOVE!!! To make it through each day… Don’t worry about the small stuff and if it isn’t about LOVING those kids then it is all small stuff. Congratulations to you and your partner. May god bless you ten fold on what you give those kids.!!!
Like:
+1
Oh Evan! A friend of mine sent me an email with a link to this blog post. Why would she want me to read it? Because I have a similar situation to yours. My husband and I have five biological children. A couple of years ago, we met a really great ten year old boy who was living in a foster home in our neighborhood. I found myself in complete adoration for this boy and so concerned about his future. We considered bringing him into our home, and THEN found out he had two siblings. And of course, they wanted to keep them together. Long story….short….we now have eight children. We adopted them a year ago. This journey has most definitely come with it’s struggles. It is by far the hardest thing we have ever done. I SO understand what you said about finding out that you are a little less patient than you thought you were. I am A LOT less patient than I once thought I was. We (my husband and I) continually struggle in my effort to give them all the time and attention that they need. We were not used to dealing with long lasting tantrums and food hoarding issues and ultimately…”personality traits that are not always awesome”. We consistently wonder if we are nurturing and teaching them in the best ways. It is tough! Having said that….I can assure you, that although it has been the hardest thing we have ever done, it has also been the most wonderful, rewarding thing we have done. We see miracles, daily in our home. We are definitely making progress, more and more as time goes by. And with each tiny bit of progress, we feel more and more joy in our home and in our lives. It IS wonderful, what you are doing. So very challenging, but so incredible. How fantastic it is to be part of it all. Hang in there. I promise, more and more happiness is headed your direction!
Like:
+1
My 5 yr old tapped on the bathroom door today, no more than 5 seconds after I finally got in there this morning. To avoid an outburst (his or mine), I cracked open the door to see what he wanted. He said “I just wanted to tell you I love you, Mommy.” Now that makes all this parenting stuff worth it. What a way to start my day! I have two older girls, 14 & 11, they’re complete opposites, one can be outrageously mean with tantrums and yet is my most snuggly, sweet child when she wants. and the teenager acts like she doesn’t need me, until she really does, and that, again, makes it all worth it. You are both (“Evan” and blogger) courageous to take on the great task of loving these children forever!
Like:
+1
Seriously, reading your blog at 1 in the morning, (while folding my 9th load of laundry tonight because my mother in law is comming over the morning), makes me feel sane again, and know that i am not alone.
-Nicole
mother to 3 under the age of 4
Like:
+1
Wow! That is an amazing thing to do. Not only is it amazing that you ARE doing it, which it is, but amazing that you CAN do it, that you have the opportunity and the resources to give these 5 kids, who have probably had tough lives so far, a loving caring home TOGETHER, where they can grow together as siblings and as a family, to give them loving caring PARENTS who can and will be there for them when they need the support, who will know their individual personalities and TRY to do their best for them. Looking back at our own parents we can all find things that were not absolutely perfect, but we also know that we forgive them for any little mistakes, and LOVE and need them no matter what – to be given the chance to become the base for these kids to grow and flourish on is surely a blessing, and although it WILL be hard and very tiring at times, those little moments of joy will show themselves without too much effort on your part, just keep an eye out for them – the cuddles, smiles, laughter, stories, happy times together, and peaceful moments when they are all asleep – enjoy them, and love those kids. Soon they will grow… <3
Like:
+1