Today’s my wedding anniversary. Greg sent me a romantic Facebook message that says,
“Our marriage is now as mature as a college freshman!
Happy 18th Anniversary!”
My brother said it’s past time for my marriage to pull some legendary pranks on some other marriages.
Personally, I think our marriage should ride around town mooning all the other marriages, but Greg’s usually more mature than me, so don’t worry. You’re probably safe.
The point is, we did it. Again! Another year. BOOYAH, baby!
So.
Can we talk honestly about marriage for a minute? ‘Cause Greg and I’ve made it 18 years, and that makes me an expert. Also, hahahahaha! There are no experts here.
People often ask me how we do it, though. Marriage is hard, they say. And I will tell you what: this marriage gig has not come easy for us, so I believe them. Marriage is hard. But I’ve been married long enough, I think, that I’ve lost the trite answers to the how questions. I’ve stopped giving the magic bullet responses like “marriage takes hard work” or “we’re still together by the grace of God” or “marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100.”
Now, of course marriage takes hard work. And I do believe in a gracious God. And it’s important to go above and beyond our fair share in any partnership. But to say that our marriage is intact by virtue of our work or God’s grace feels too close to implying others have failed for lack of hard work or that God has somehow withheld a measure of grace, and, well, I just don’t buy either implication. Some of the toughest divorces I’ve witnessed have come on the heels of a whole lot of hard work. God, I believe, gives grace extravagantly, especially when it’s all falling apart.
The truth is, Greg and I work hard on our marriage. That’s a fact. Except when we’re apathetic and worn out.
And Greg and I are consistently tenacious and determined to make our marriage better. Except when we’re exhausted and just kind of done.
And Greg and I are committed to always being available for each other. Except when we’re myopic and selfish and can’t move past our own needs.
Honestly, Greg and I aren’t in a 50/50 marriage very often. Oh, we strive for equality. And we try to bear one another’s burdens. Sometimes we even hold up our ends of the marriage bargain. Sometimes, we rise above the difficulties and each give 100%, which is when the toilets get cleaned and the children are bathed and we don’t forget parent/teacher conferences. But sometimes we fall down on the job, friends. Sometimes, I give 5% and Greg gives 5% and we’re grumpy and petty and we both wonder where the hell the other 90% went.
The real problem with marriage is the fact that we let humans do it. It’s the same problem with parenting, really. And with the church. And with schools. And with government. And with family. As humans, we’re fallible, glorious, well-intentioned, messy creatures who create fallible, glorious, well-intentioned, messy systems and relationships, sometimes all at once.
So how are we still together? After 18 years? I gotta say, I think it’s a crazy cocktail, and while hard work and grace and giving more than our fair share are part of the mix when we can manage them, so, in even measure, are fighting and failure and forgiveness.
After 18 years, Greg and I are learning to accept deep down that we’re imperfect. He’s imperfect. I’m imperfect. We’re not perfect for each other. And we’ve built a beautiful, imperfect life from our tragedies and our triumphs. And from stubbornness, faith, laughter, fears, giving up, trying again, trust and tears.
After all this time, Greg and I are still together because we’re beginning to truly believe that living life to its fullest means embracing the raging mess in the kitchen and in each other and that our deepest act of love comes, not in the absence of mess or the elimination of it, but in relaxing into it together.
Happy Anniversary, Greg.
I love you love you.
B
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Thank you, Beth! I love the honesty…..helps the rest of us to feel halfway normal (but seriously, isn’t “normal” overrated?!). I like you a whole bunch, and then some!
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I really feel that if we lived in the same town, you and I would be very good friends. My husband and I are rounding on our 18th anniversary this year as well, and this very thoughtful post rings true. Thank you for taking the time to be transparent.
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Wow. I think I needed that. Thanks for sharing with us who aren’t quite so experienced yet.
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This is so lovely and so very true. We can all identify with those times of only giving 5% and wondering where the rest went, in all kinds of walks of life. Thank you for your encouragement to accept and love the imperfections rather than wanting to change them. Happy Anniversary!
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First, Happy Anniversary!
I think for us it’s the simple fact that we have decided to love each other. Because we were both in horrible marriages (that ended before we met, thankyouverymuch) we were hesitant to even take the plunge in the first place. Since we loved each other enough to take that momentous step, we are extremely dedicated to making it work. It’s really that simple. We love each other, and we are going to stay together. End of discussion. Not to say that some days we don’t hate each other, but still.
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YES, Beth – thank you! I’ve come to the same conclusions myself after nearly 20 years (this coming May!) of the journey that is marriage. Thanks for your blog – you always encourage me, even when you don’t mean to.
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I have to admit that I stood in the living room last night and read this out loud to my sweetie. Ending with a quit loud disclaimer that “If they can do it, then damn it so can we!” (As I returned to the kitchen and began cursing the stove because the burner has suddenly decided to stop working and I WANTED MY BACON!)
Congrats you crazy kids!!!! And thank you for being a light of inspiration to us parents, us couples, us humans who need to remember once in a while, We’re Not Alone!!!
<3
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Thanks for you absolute honesty. Realizing that neither of us are perfect, and embracing the mess we are and giving that to God instead of stressing about it … so important. My husband and I have 12 years under our belt. My parents divorced after 30 years. That number is just a number. I can’t think that I can relax a little and not do my part just because I’ve been married one more year, for sure! Husbands love your wives; wives, respect your husbands -Eph 5- this is His command and the oath we took.
I love your blog. Thank you!!!
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Beth, I appreciate you for so many things! But especially the way you can look at a situation and say “this stuff happens” and this is how I in my humble humanness handled it. Thank you.
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Happy Anniversary! My husband and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary this Friday. I’ve talked him into going to a “marriage booster” at our church to celebrate. He’s thrilled!
Must be true love, huh? 
Not sure why you chose January for your wedding, but my thought going into wedding planning 16+ years ago was that I sweat a lot and I had a shot at not sweating in a big heavy wedding dress if we got married in January. As it worked out, January 18th was a record-breaking coldest day of the year in 1997!
And I was still hot when we were inside dancing. But at least I could step out side to cool down.
I loved this post! I so agree!
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Well said! We’re about to celebrate our 18th as well. Last anniversary, at a fancy restaurant, my husband had clearly grown tired of the question: “So what’s your secret?” because of the reasons you’ve already listed. So when asked again, he responded, “We eat lots of aphrodisiacs.” I was bright red!
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I just wrote about a similar topic, this really touched my heart today. Thanks so much
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Amen to that Beth. Happy Anniversary!
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loved this. happy anniversary to you both.
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What a sweet sentiment, Beth. Happy Anniversary.
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