We’re going camping. I plan to send my kids via mail.

We’re going camping. With six kids. Because

Wait. Hang on. I just need one second.


Um. Hm.

It’s because…

Shoot. I got nothin’.

This isn’t a real blog post. Just FYI. This is a we-just-finished-packing-and-we’re-leaving-in-fifteen-minutes-and-I-have-Lost-My-Ever-Loving-Mind post. Eventually, there will be an oh-silly-me,-camping-is-awesome-with-s’mores-and-sticky-kids-and-cousins-and-beer post. I will have a change of heart. I will overcome. I will persevere. But that time is not now. This is not it. This is the middle-of-childbirth post. Sorry about the mess.

My children are running around like banshees, and the only person that’s less disciplined than them right now is their mother. SHE is farking NUTS, folks. Hollering. Panicking. Packing like there isn’t a supermarket 15 minutes away from the campsite.

Seriously. She needs to chill. Now. Before she breaks someone.

I just had a heart to heart with Google. Even accounting for our supersonic internet speed, Google is way cheaper than therapy. Highly recommend, friends. Highly recommend.

Dear Google,

Why can’t I mail people?

(Showing results for dear google why can’t i email people)

No, not “why can’t I e-mail people?” That’s not what I meant at all, Google.

I mean, why can’t I box people up – say, children – and send them in the mail to Antarctica or Africa or Nebraska or something?

(OH! Why didn’t you say so, Beth?)

YES! 75 things to know about Omaha? Packing for Antarctica? Discipline and the Strong Willed Child? EXACTLY where I was headed, Google.

I just… I just feel really heard right now.

Thank you, Google. You always come through for me.


ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
  1. […] RSS ← We’re going camping. I plan to send my kids via mail. […]

  2. funny. we were just camping, with our 1 1/2, and 2 1/2 year-old boys (need i elaborate?!). and also found our selves asking that same question, seriously why not send the kids here and there via mail? turns out the sticker on the inside of all Rubbermaid bins says it all. you are not to put a child in the bin and put the lid on. it’s a no-no, and without a lid how could we possibly mail them off?

    1. Ha! Now I have a visual, Liz, of my kids in Rubbermaid bins with yours perched on their laps while they ride atop the postal vehicles with the wind in their hair. It could work. I’m sure of it.

  3. snicker snicker snicker 😉 .

  4. Hilarious! Have a fantastic time 😀

    I love the phrase “ever-loving”, by the way. It reminds me of West Side Story.


    1. Thanks, Fiona. (And now I’m singing “Tonight.” Abby will be ecstatic. She ADORES it when I sing musical numbers in my best operatic voice… she likens me to a dying walrus. ;))

  5. Thanks for a great laugh! You give and you give, even in the midst of your panic. I hope you end up having a wonderful time!

    1. Hehehe – thanks, Sharon. I do what I can to spread the insanity THIN so no one is harmed in the making of this life.

  6. Totally gonna have to try that sometime.

    As for the camping, just don’t forget the “bored” (board) games and the activity books…. I tried to take my kids camping a couple of years ago and I was so super great about making menus up for the whole trip and packing lists for all the clothes and toiletries and equipment, but I didn’t bring anything for the kids to DO. Apparently, communing with nature just isn’t enough. O.o

    1. Yep – completely forgot this. I compensated with marshmallows.

  7. i LOVE that I’m not the only one to do this. Just in the past month my husband was laughing at me because I was venting… not to him. To google. Just to see what google would say. I wish I had my wits about me to take snapshots like you. ( : Awesomeness.

    1. YES! Don’t you love it when you share the same therapist as a friend so you can compare therapy notes?? Me, too! 😀

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.