Gross Tooth Economics

Although they were once perfectly straight, Cai’s two front teeth have been on the move for months, overlapping and wonky and sticky-outty, the result of Gross Tooth Economics. In regular economics, we know the word gross means “before deductions.” It’s the same with Gross Tooth Economics which is the product of adding grown-up teeth before the subtraction of baby teeth so they’re all mooshed in there together. Also, it’s gross.

Lose the baby teeth, man.

I’ve been thinking that at Cai for weeks now.

Lose them.

And occasionally saying it out loud.

But he was reluctant to wiggle them BECAUSE THERE’S ALWAYS SO MUCH BLOOD, MOM.

There’s, like, a DOT of blood, Cai, I’d say, and he’d respond, I KNOW! ‘ZACKLY!, totally vindicated.

So we waited. And we waited. And we waited. And the teeth grew more wonky and wretched with each passing day.

I petitioned for sole custody, arguing that I could take better care of the baby teeth, but Cai said NO.

I provided recommendations from previous owners of baby teeth who allowed me to escort them to freedom, but Cai said NO.

I enlisted the help of advocates, but Cai said NO.

I finally begged for mercy on their behalf, but Cai, with a heart hardened against their plight, still said NO.

Last night, though, one of the teeth executed a flawless escape all on his own. It must have taken months of preparation and then incredible patience to wait for the right moment, but as soon as he saw his chance, he JUMPED – just LEAPT – right out of Cai’s mouth to the cheers of witnesses and delight of the gathered crowd.

The only cloud over the dramatic escape is the fact that he left behind a friend. Of course, they agreed that whichever one had the opportunity first should seize freedom and then work for the release of the other from the outside.

Still, it’s sad to see Nanny McTooth so alone, uncertain of when she’ll be set free. Poor dear.

Poor, poor dear.

I think we can all agree this just can’t go on, and that it would be wrong of me — wrong of us — to remain silent any longer.

Won’t you join me, friends, in supporting the Free Nanny McTooth Today Campaign? We fight not just for the rights of this Nanny McTooth but for the freedom of Nanny McTeeth everywhere believing that justice and mercy will prevail.

Let Freedom Ring!

xoxo,
Beth

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P.S. I’d apologize for that picture, except I felt lonely gagging all by myself.

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Also, the Tooth Fairy was totally off her game last night. Again. I just thought you should know.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
34 comments
  1. When my second son was 6 he had his first loose tooth. It was the front right tooth and he played around with it and eventually it came out. The next morning, after the tooth fairy came and he got $5, he was ecstatic! That day he wiggle the other 3 (not loose) front teeth and pulled them out that day.
    It’s all about the money and he liked the money!

  2. Call me crazy, but I just had a vision of making a doll or stuffed animal of some kind and sewing in the lost baby teeth.

    I think it would be totally zany, but in a funny way. And also terrifying.

    After I saw Child’s Play, I made my mother lock all my stuffed animals in the attic, just in case. I can’t imagine what I would do if they had real teeth. 🙂

  3. My daughter woke me up at 5:00 am two mornings ago just to inform me her tooth fell out. The following night, she wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy that just Had To be Answered! I didn’t think she even believed in the Tooth Fairy anymore. Just an FYI, if the Tooth Fairy ever tells any child what she uses all those collected teeth for, the “Head Fairy” will remove her wings and feed them to a dragon. True story.
    Oh yeah, I just love the way you write! What a GREAT sense of humor:) Your posts always make me smile, if not laugh out loud! So glad I found your blog!

    1. Well, that whole wing-thing explains why I’ve never been able to accurately answer the what-she-does-with-the-teeth question for my children. Now I feel like we need to start a campaign for more humane treatment of fairy criminals. I don’t blame the dragon, you understand. He’s just doing what dragons do. But that Head Fairy is clearly on the road to tyranny. Frankly, this could explain a lot about our Tooth Fairy’s lack of consistency lately. And about her Dorito breath. And about her hankering for bourbon.

  4. My daughter was the same way with her bottom teeth. The adult teeth were 1/2 way up and she would NOT wiggle the baby teeth. I loaded her mouth up with baby anbesol and got out the dental floss and popped them out. One the first day and the 2nd the next! She now her her top front teeth wiggly and she’s ready to pull them out herself! lol

    1. I might’ve near-hurled at “popped them out,” but I’m OK now. Whenever my oldest kid isn’t home to pull my kids’ teeth, I’m sending them to your house. 😉

  5. I guess I’m the opposite… I remember having a loose molar in the 5th grade that I could wiggle all the way down around so it looked like it was sticking out the side of my gum… (sorry for that mental picture) and I would gross my 5th grade teacher out with it. She was young and single and now I’m really sorry I tormented her!
    My oldest has his first loose tooth and he doesn’t want anyone to pull it out so we’ll see how long it takes…
    I am so not saving them though!

    1. Oh, that molar thing is SICK. And also HILARIOUS.

  6. There have been few sweeter, more satisfying moments in my parenting career than when my six year old actually allowed me to get a good grip with the pliers and yank out a tooth. And this is a kid who won’t let us clip his toe nails. The two fronts are loose now, can’t wait for those…

    Tell Cai that there is an awesome song called “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” that only a very few, select kids ever get to sing with true authenticity. It is an honour and a privilege and he must make every effort to join this special club.

    1. I cannot wait for you to see today’s post! 😀

  7. Loose teeth are totally gross! At what other part of our lives do our body parts fall out/off, complete with blood? And yet people act like it’s normal. I hope my kids will let me just pull them out. No loose teeth around here for quite a while, though, I’m sure. My oldest is only 4.

    1. “At what other part of our lives do our body parts fall out/off, complete with blood?”

      YES!

  8. I’m pretty sure I kept the majority of the teeth that came out at our house, only I’m not sure where they are OR which are whose. Maybe someday I’ll…um…make some..um…art? with them? Also, I have a 21 year old whose front teeth are overlapping and wonky and sticky-outty, but he has sensory issues, so braces are out of the question. I’v decided to embrace it as part of his quirkyness.

    1. Bahahaha. Some… um… art… is totally cracking me up.

      Also? Embracing quirkiness is one of my favorite things. Which is why you’re one of my favorite people.

  9. I love my son to the moon and back, but I don’t do teeth. No sirree…..that’s Dad’s job. I can’t even look. Yuck. And I’m pretty sure the tooth fairy takes them out of the house. Like, in that plastic bag that goes in that plastic container that sits at the curb every Wednesday morning waiting for that big truck, IYKWIM.

    1. I mean, when she shows up at all, that is.

  10. My daughter was going through the same thing, until the DENTIST had to pull TWO!! She now wiggles them…

    1. I’ve wondered at what point we’d have to call on the dentist. So far, so good!

  11. Eewwww! Loose teeth are gross- and I mean every definition of the word!! My oldest won’t let me touch a loose tooth, but insists on sitting and wiggling them every chance he gets. Honestly, just typing that sentence made my stomach turn.

    Well, this brings me to a question I’ve been struggling with since Will lost his first tooth almost 2 yrs ago. What do you do with their baby teeth? At this point I have 8 teeth in my jewelry armoire. I feel like a serial killer! Seriously, who else saves human body parts?!? I’ve been told that kids lose 20 teeth. Beth, we are going to have 100 teeth!! That is all kinds of gross.

    Here’s hoping Nanny McTooth is freed soon and Cai’s mouth becomes a bit less gross.

    1. There are these Toothfairy Dental Record sheets that have little pockets on them. I’m thinking about making one for my daughter, but we’re only on the third tooth. They look like this: http://www.officeofthetoothfairy.com/

    2. a) Clearly, we need to form a support group for we mamas who are wigged out by loose teeth. Kristin (see above) is a charter member. We shall employ my oldest daughter to deal with the loose teeth… she’s an expert tooth-extractor and has saved my tooth-pulling bacon more than once.

      b) Mmmm… bacon.

      c) YES, BETH. This is the conundrum of EVERY mother with her first child, as far as I can tell. We cannot bear to throw away their wee wittle teeth. Good news is, we get over this, and eventually WE THROW THEM AWAY. Unless you’re my cousin, Jen, and your mom gifts you with your entire set of baby teeth upon your majority… which is totally creepy, and also AWESOME, so we should consider it. Also, we don’t throw them away if they have silver in them because then we’ve mistakenly told our children that they’re Tooth Jewelry so they won’t be scared of having their cavities filled… in that case, you’re stuck with them forever. Also-also, we don’t throw them away if we forget they’re on our bathroom counter and our helpful husbands put them into our jewelry boxes FOR us which eventually works out well like when our kids want to take their newly-lost teeth to school for show-and-tell (it’s T week!) but we can’t find the one they just lost and so we substitute it with a random tooth-from-the-jewelry box (no idea whose tooth, of course) and hope they don’t notice. Which is what happened this morning. True story.

  12. Forget “Free Nanny McTooth”! Somebody needs to buy the Tooth Fairy a couple of rounds. It’s all about priorities.

  13. Wiggly teeth kind of gross me out. My 7 year old had 1 loose tooth for 6 months. It was ridiculous, she wiggled it and wiggled it, she had her hand in her mouth for 6 months. Finally one day she was eating cinnamon rolls and told me there was something hard in it. I could hear that tooth clunking around in her mouth while she continued to bite on it. Uggh! She clearly has no loose tooth issues like I do b/c I would have gagged! I feel your pain though. I realize this was not helpful at all except to make me crave cinnamon rolls.

    1. Wiggly teeth gross you out because they’re gross, Kristin. You are not alone. That’s what this part of the interwebs is about… you are NOT alone.

      Also, that cinnamon roll story was sick. And awesome.

      Also-also, pass the cinnamon rolls.

  14. Call me a little bit country, but a door knob and dental floss work wonders!!! And if you’re sneaky enough to tie one end to the door knob and ask to see their tooth while they’re brushing. A quick slip of the “tooth noose”, an “accidental bump” to slam the door, and VOILA! Free the Nanny McPhee Tooth!!! (And I’m pretty sure that’s one of the LEAST traumatizing things I’ve done to my poor littles…. I think)

    1. Like bringing in the SWAT Team for a stealth rescue mission! Or the Navy Seals!

      1. Even better than SWAT… Mama SWAT!! 😀

      2. Oh man, you totally missed it, Beth. NOT the SEALS…. Force Recon!

        Excellent post on the hostage situation.

        1. Oh, crap! Worst Marine’s daughter EVER. On the other hand, my Navy grandfather is probably cheering from Heaven — one point for his team. 😉

  15. Feed him apples . . .

    1. He’s been cutting them into bites. 🙁

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