1. No playing in your brother’s pee stream.
“Only play in my own pee stream? Got it, Mom.”
2. No playing in your own pee stream. No playing in pee streams in general. Under certain circumstances, and using your own equipment, exceptions can be made for activities like peeing straight down into snow and then measuring for comparison. I mean, I’m not a monster.
3. No pee fights.
4. If you’ve ever wondered what it sounds like to pee on the wall or in the garbage can or on the floor or in the toy bin or inside the garage or behind your bed, IT SOUNDS LIKE PEE. STOP IT.
5. A swimsuit is for getting wet. A swimsuit is not for wetting. Don’t pee in the pool. More importantly, when you do pee in the pool, don’t announce it. Announcing it includes both verbal and nonverbal clues. Verbal clues include hollering, “I just peed in the pool, Mom! It made a nice warm spot! Come feel!” Nonverbal clues include scrambling out of the pool, grabbing your private parts and then watching the pee dribble down your legs.
6. Pee is not stamps or coins or baseball cards or comic books. Don’t collect it.
7. Yes, of course you can pee outside. In fact, from March-October that’s required. Usual rules apply. Keep it off the porch. Be sneaky. Keep your bits to yourself. Don’t get arrested. Pretend like you use the potty when guests come over.
8. You can all pee further than your brothers. I know this doesn’t seem possible, but you’re going to have to trust me; no need to keep proving it.
9. Our toilet doesn’t leak. I know it’s pee. Clean it up.
Do you have rules for peeing? What’s missing from this list? Or which of these rules would you particularly like apply to your family?
Your pee stories needed. STAT.