Dear Girl Scouts of the USA,
I know you’ve had your share of controversies over the last few years, and I don’t mean to fan the flames, but I’ve thought about this long and hard, and I believe I would be remiss if I neglected to bring one additional, and, frankly, much bigger issue to your attention.
Now, I get that you are all, clearly, a bunch of left-leaning, lesbian, feminist, pro-abortionists who brilliantly cover up your true motives by:
a) having no policy whatsoever on human sexuality, birth control or abortion, stating instead that it’s your role to “help girls develop self-confidence and good decision-making skills that will help them make wise choices in all areas of their lives,”
b) teaching girls to pursue four goals: developing their full potential; relating to others with increasing understanding, skill, and respect; developing a meaningful set of values to guide their actions and make sound decisions; and contributing to the improvement of society,
and, c) disguising yourselves for the last 102 years as highly intelligent, poised, motivated, active women who tirelessly promote leadership skills in young women, counting women in both major US political parties among your most famous members,
but I have a hard time understanding why the BIGGEST Girl Scout issue of our time is constantly being swept under the rug. Or perhaps I should say the littlest issue, because, Girlfriends, here it is:
The sizes of those boxes of crack cookies you sell are too small.
Way too small. Way, WAY too small.
And that is a matter that needs addressing.
Obviously, your marketing department is extremely clever, using the hot button controversies of our time to camouflage serious underlying cookie issues.
I just have to wonder… do you think it’s still 1917? When people ate reasonably? Responsibly? Mindfully? And when consuming four Thin Mints at a time was possible? Instead of, say, an entire sleeve of 12… or two sleeves of 24, as the case may be? Because if you do, you’ve got us pegged wrong. Wrong, I tell you. WRONG.
Listen; I’m not here to tell you how to run your organization, but I’d like to respectfully suggest you take a step back from teaching values such as honesty, fairness, courage, compassion, character, sisterhood, confidence, and citizenship and step it up on the size of those cookie boxes already.
Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids
P.S. I don’t want you thinking this letter is satire, because a) the boxes really are too small, ladies. I’ve gained ZERO POUNDS this cookie season because my chaos of children eats them ALL before I can get anywhere near those teeny, tiny boxes. Obviously, this will never do. I don’t want to be greedy, but I think you owe me at least a 5 pound weight gain. And b) that feminist thing is totally true. In 1916, Girl Scout founder, Juliette Gordon Low (pictured to the right) established an aviation badge—even before women could vote. The nerve!
P.P.S. I want to be like Juliette Gordon Low when I grow up.
P.P.P.S. I look forward to your response, Girl Scouts. You can contact me at FiveKidsIsALotOfKids@gmail.com.