Listen; I know we don’t want to believe it. I know we’re in denial. I know we like to think it’s not that bad. But, friends. FRIENDS. I think we need to face reality, take some deep breaths and acknowledge the Mombie Apocalypse is upon us.
Now, I’ve written about being a Mombie before. Like when trying to answer questions which were once straightforward. Once obvious. Once easy. Questions like How are you? and Do you want a receipt? and What’s for dinner? and Are you finished in the bathroom?
SOMETIMES I DON’T KNOW.
I’m not trying to avoid the questions; I just honestly have no idea. None.
But I admit I hadn’t realized how far spread the Mombie epidemic has become. How many of us are affected. How deeply rooted in society Mombism now is. Not until you started sharing, momrades. Not until you confessed did I realize WE MUST LET THE WORLD KNOW. Not to eradicate Mombism, of course, because HAHAHAHAHA… good luck with that… but to let our fellow momrades know WE DO NOT SUFFER ALONE. No. There are thousands of us out here, bumbling along, longing for brains.
In case, you, like me, would appreciate some hard evidence, here are:
25 Signs the Mombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us
1. We don’t know how to check out at the store. “Target is the worst… I usually end up standing there like the now extinct Do do Bird, looking at the cashier waiting for the receipt….while she’s waiting for me to answer the machine this MIND BOGGLING question, ‘Do you want it all on one card?’ YES, DAGNABBIT, Just let me Mother Flipping check out.” Bethany
“I have actually yelled at that swiper thing at Target. “OH MY GOD YES I WANT IT ALL ON THE EFFING CARD WHY DO YOU THINK I JUST SWIPED IT CASH BACK ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHEN WILL THIS INTERROGATION END?!”” Kimberly
2. We don’t know how to shave our legs. “Standing in the shower holding the razor, thinking “which leg did I already shave….either? Right? Left? Neither? Both?” Eyes not focused enough to see which had a week’s worth of stubble….finally after about five minutes of stupidly standing there, it occurred to me that I could probably feel them to tell the difference.” Cher
3. We don’t know where we put our cell phones. “I have wandered my home or driving my car, talking on my cell phone while simultaneously looking for my cell phone.” Laura
4. We don’t know when our children were born. “The lady on reception at my doctor’s surgery thinks I am a terrible mother because I couldn’t answer this simple question: What’s your daughter’s date of birth? It took 10 minutes to established which daughter we were discussing and work out which month goes with which date.” Gemma
5. We don’t know our children’s names. “My oldest son is Robbie and my husband is Frank. Do you think I can get them straight??? The other three sons have J names. Really, who thought this was a good idea?? I can usually get my daughter’s name right, but there are times even she gets called by the wrong name. Let’s face it, I gave my brain away.” Cindy
“I’ve been known to address my children as “whoever you are” when, having gone through all 4 names, I still can’t get the correct name out.” Manic Mama
6. We buy things and don’t take them home. “When I was pregnant, I went to the supermarket to do a big weekly shop. On my way out, I returned the trolley and took my token, walked to the car and had the sense that something was amiss. Face bright red, I walked back in and reinserted the trolley token so that I could this time take out my bags of groceries before driving home.”
7. We forget where we put the baby. “Days after I had my second son I was (stupidly) attempting to leave the house for a friend’s son’s birthday party. After probably hours of preparation to leave, I was locking the door to our house when I was struck with panic: I forgot the baby! I remember saying out loud, “Oh my god, where’s the baby?!” My 7 year old son looked at me like I was nuts and calmly said, “He’s right there”. I was carrying my newborn in my other arm.” Summer
8. We’re not sure where the dirty diapers go. “I find myself standing in front of the diaper pail, holding the baby in one arm and a dirty diaper in my other hand, and think to myself, “Okay, now slow down. This is not like putting the milk in the pantry instead of the fridge, it’s important to get this one right on the first try.”” Vanessa
9. We can’t remember where we put the steering wheel. “When I was pregnant, I visited my husband at work, then went out to the car to go home. I opened the door and stood there wondering where the steering wheel had gone. Then, I had a chuckle at myself and walked around to the other side of the car and opened the door. Now I was stumped, there was no steering wheel on that side either. Then I realised, the steering wheel was on the other side of the car and I had opened the BACK door instead of the front.” Lisa
10. We can’t understand questions, much less answer them. “A couple of months ago, after buying groceries at the local produce store, the cashier asked “Do you want a copy?” obviously referring to the receipt. Obvious except to my sleep-deprived brain. I asked him to repeat what he said because I thought he asked, “Do you want a coffee?” Even the second time he said it, that’s what I heard. I was so confused…Why is he offering me coffee right now? I don’t drink coffee, but I don’t want to insult him. Is he asking me out for coffee, and if so, WHY, because my husband and kids and I go to that store all the time and have had several conversations with this man, who seems to be married to one of the other people who works there! I stammered and blushed and made some unintelligible sounds until he took mercy on me, pointed to the receipt machine and carefully enunciated every word, “Do you want a copy of your receipt?” Ah, right.” Andrea
11. We can’t remember which way the Letter S goes. “The other day, I couldn’t remember which way the letter “S” goes. I wasn’t writing it, just thinking about it, not sure why it was on my mind, then I started to panic – I’ve been writing S for like 35 years.” Kelly
12. We don’t know if the kids took a nap. Stop asking stupid questions. “Last night my husband asked me if the twins took a nap. I said firmly, no. WAIT! Yes. WAIT!! No? YES! He looked at me like I was insane.” Robin
13. We go to appointments we’ve already gone to. “Yesterday (Tuesday), I took the bus from work to a physiotherapy appointment, only the appointment was LAST Tuesday. Yes, I went to the appointment last Tuesday, too.” Gaylin
14. We make teeny, tiny messes. “Last night, I put the ice cream in the pantry instead of the freezer. It was quite a surprise this morning. And gross.” Tiffany
15. We can’t remember how to drive our kids to the schools they’ve been going to for years. “I drive my kids to school EVERY DAY. First the middle schooler and 45 minutes later the 3 elementary schoolers. We have had this routine for Two YEARS. My 13 yo now has on an endless loop as we come to the stoplight to leave our neighborhood “left turn mom; drivers side; we are going left to the middle school; no mom the other way; left turn mom” because otherwise automatic pilot kicks in and I turn right to drive to the elementary school.” Katrina
16. We have to make in-depth assessments and risk management plans before we can complete critical tasks like peeing. “Often when I sit down to pee, I assess everything. “OK, the toilet seat is up. My pants are down,” etc., because my brain is so destroyed that peeing just feels wrong and I’m positive I’ve missed a crucial step in the urination process and I’m about to feel warmth in my pants or pooling at my feet.” Ashley
17. We need a little help from our friends. “We just bought some chickens and I’ve been reading up on them. I couldn’t for the life of me work out what a “roo” was – I’m sitting there thinking, it’s not a kangaroo; what the heck does this word mean? Eventually, I asked a friend, and he looked at me and very slowly said…ROOster. Seriously, I have two university degrees.” Sim
18. We can’t get dressed without assistance. “I went to church with my dress unzipped. Not just a little bit and I may it through a very welcoming crowd that way before someone I didn’t know pressed herself up against me to zip it. We’re totally friends now.” Heather
19. We never forget a face. “I USED to pride myself on never forgetting a face. Once I birthed that second baby though, my memory just flushed itself. I am constantly seeing people and thinking, “how the “h” do I know them?” I spend long periods of time staring at their faces trying to remember. When my kids were much smaller we took them to a children’s museum in the Los Angeles area. This man, who I kept seeing at every turn, was SO familiar, but I couldn’t place how I knew him. We kept making eye contact and I knew he was thinking the same thing. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked him, “Have we met before?” and he replied (with a nervous little laugh), “uh, I don’t think so.” My husband grabbed my elbow, steering me away and whispering, “That’s Brendan Frasier!” Ugh.” Anjanette
20. We really need people to direct traffic and not rely on our brains. “I’m ok when a traffic light doesn’t change. If it is red, I’ll stop (especially if people are already stopped). If it is green, I’ll go. But if I am driving toward a light and it CHANGES?? I am flummoxed. I really have to think hard which color tells me what.” Em
“How about the times when you stop for a red light, then go as if it’s a stop sign and it’s your turn? Or slow down for a green light? That one gets me a lot.” Margaret
“YES! The green light slow down. And the more I do it the more I keep doing it. It’s like my brain has altered the meaning of green.” Laurie
“Or when you stop at a stop sign and wait for the light to turn green, and all the other cars pile up waiting for you to go, but the light (that you can see down the street half a block) is still red, so you don’t go until people start honking and you realize… oh, right. Stop sign.” Betty
21. We forget to bathe. Or we bathe extra well. “I’ve spent many mornings in the shower doing this, “Did I forget to wash my hair? I think I did. I better wash it to be sure. Wait, I remember doing this 5 minutes ago. Crap! Now I’m going to be late for work because I just washed my hair AGAIN!” At least my hair is really clean.” Laurie
“YES. I do this ALL THE TIME. Get in the shower, shampoo hair, forget I shampooed, shampoo again, ask myself: “WAIT. Did I shampoo yet?”, think about it for a while, shampoo again just in case, reach for the conditioner, PAUSE, “Did I shampoo? I think I’ve been in here for awhile. I must have.” Then I repeat the whole process with the conditioner. I have the cleanest hair EVER.” Nita
22. Those gadgets that unlock things… suck. “I recently tried fervently to unlock the front door of my house using the remote car unlock button do-hickey. I couldn’t understand why the darn door wasn’t unlocking. Took me several clicks to figure it out.” EConnell
23. We’re not sure how sunscreen works. “Yesterday, my brain shut down beyond questions. I forgot to put sunscreen on my (super white red haired) daughter and we were outside ALL DAY. Finally, around 5ish, I looked at her and thought, “pink”. And I couldn’t figure out why I would be thinking about “pink” and it took way too long to realize that I was thinking “pink” because that was the color of her cheeks and her arms. And then I realized I had forgotten sunscreen. And then I tried to remember if I could put sunscreen on her right then to “reverse” all the sun she had soaked up that had turned her so pink. I literally could not remember if that was how sunscreen worked or not.” Angie
24. We say cucumber and mean excuse me. OBVIOUSLY. “In the grocery store I wanted to say “excuse me” to a woman as I passed her but I said, “Cucumber,” instead. (I was thinking of cucumbers!)” Hillary
25. Hedgehogs are just completely confusing. “I had to actually think whether a hedgehog has four or six legs.” Outi
In conclusion, momrades, it’s OK. YOU’RE OK. Technically, yes, you’re operating without a brain. And sure, there’s probably no cure other than weeks and weeks of regular sleep, which we’re unlikely to get. Neverthless, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, momrades. You are not alone, bumbling around here. You are not alone. We are right here with you, sitting in the mud, holding hands, and waving to you in the dark.
X’s and O’s, friends. X’s and O’s.