We’re getting a kitten!
Don’t tell Greg.
Also, don’t tell Abby.
Also-also, don’t tell my parents.
None of those people will approve, and the first two will be downright hostile about it — Greg because he feels we already have enough living creatures around here costing us money (FALSE, Greg), and Abby because her soul is damaged and she doesn’t like animals.
Actually, as long as you’re not telling people, don’t tell my younger kids, either. They WILL approve, but they’ll tattle on me to Greg and Abby, which will undermine my strategy: “Oh, do we have a KITTEN? How did that get in here??” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Also, if I tell my younger kids, they’ll think they have a say in Which Kitten and Its Name, and then I won’t get to be the Kitten Picker and the Kitten Namer, so SSHHHHHH — tell NO ONE.
Why a kitten and why now, you ask?
Well, Aden, my 16yo kiddo who experiences disability — and who’s often overlooked around here because she’s generally quiet and well-behaved unlike the rest of these helions who DEMAND ALL THE ATTENTION ALL THE TIME — has been asking for a kitten forever.
She’s also requested a horse, chickens, a unicorn, a pegasus, a dolphin, and a dragon, and we have, to date, failed to procure her a single one.
I think we can all agree a kitten is the easiest and least expensive of all these options, so really I’m doing Greg a favor. Yes? Yes. I couldn’t agree more, friends. I’ll tell him you said so.
Know what else? In an epic display of self-restraint, I specifically did NOT get a kitten earlier this month, even though I was offered one FOR FREE.
Which means, technically, I’ve already given Greg No Kitten. A kitten he gets to NEVER HAVE. An absence of THAT KITTEN forever. So I’ve met Greg’s need, and now it’s time to meet Aden’s.
The math works in my favor, too. See, we used to have Zero Kittens, but then I released a Kitten We Didn’t Have, so now we have Minus One Kitten. A single negative kitten, if you will. So if we ADD a kitten for Aden — (Aden’s kitten MINUS Greg’s Not Kitten) — that will bring our household back to zero kittens again.
^^^ This is what Zero Woolsey Kittens looks like.^^^
I am, in other words, a Problem Solving Miracle Worker (aka, a mommy) who magically meets everyone’s needs at once.
AND WE’RE GETTING A KITTEN!
P.S. In my defense, I have actually mentioned this plan to Greg, but I’ve also mentioned, among many other things, that I’m buying a mini Jersey milking cow and that we’re moving to Belize. Since I’ve so far failed to deliver on any of these promises, he remains blithely optimistic, as though they can’t befall him anytime. His mistake, friends. His mistake.
P.P.S. Current lady kitten name options are as follows: Maeve, Lucy, Freya, Maisie, or Uma. Please provide your critiques.
P.P.P.S. We may not get our own kitten if I can convince my local animal shelter to let me foster all their kittens, instead. If, after all, we get All the Kittens and keep Zero, then our kitten numbers will be WELL into the negatives, which means we get pretty much Unlimited Kittens in the future without counting them toward our positive total. This seems to me to be excellent long term planning. I’ll provide an update as soon as possible.