This Is Worse Than the Day I Pooped My Closet

Listen, friend. I will give you one — and only this one — opportunity to stop reading. If periods gross you out, you should be done. Right now. Click away. Abort. SAVE YOURSELF. Or carry on. I don’t care — *shrug* — I’ve done what I can. Now it’s on you.

I don’t really know what to say about this other than it’s worse than The Day I Pooped My Closet. And I do not believe Hallmark has made a sympathy or apology card that quite covers the “I’m sorrys” I owe my son-in-law so I’m a little stuck on how to make this right. ...  read more

26 May 2020 — The COVID Diaries: Staying Sane in a Time That’s Not

Dear Diary,

I found a turd on my desk this morning.

An actual poop.

Just one tiny tootsie roll, all by itself, still fresh. Puppy sized. But there was no way for the puppy to get on my desk, and, also, he wasn’t in my room. Which means the turd just spontaneously materialized there. Or someone put it there. Except WHO WOULD DO THAT so I’m going with Option A — spontaneous materialization. I cannot accept the horror show alternative that I’m STUCK IN MY HOUSE QUARANTINING with a MONSTER who deposits mini poopies, hot off the presses, ON MY DESK.  ...  read more

29 April 2020 — The COVID Diaries: Staying Sane in a Time That’s Not

Dear Diary,

I’m finding in a time of global stress it’s very important to manage interactions online, which are, while we’re in isolation, our main outlet for interactions of any kind. And, not to brag, but I’d like the record to reflect that my social media game is on point, especially following Beth’s 3 Basic Tenets of Conscientious Engagement — 1. Post what’s truthful, 2. Post what’s just, and 3. Post what’s kind.  ...  read more

18 April 2020 — The COVID Diaries: Staying Sane in a Time That’s Not

Dear Diary,

I’M SO SORRY I FORGOT TO TELL YOU WHICH WIENERS WE LIKED BEST.

I wrote to you yesterday about our very official, blind taste test: Nathan’s Beef Franks vs. Hebrew National. 

Honestly, Hebrew National has been my favorite for years, so I assumed they’d be the winner even though I’ve never had Nathan’s.

Then I looked at the hot dogs and they look virtually the same in the package, so I thought they’d tie. ...  read more

3,000 March 2020 — The COVID Diaries: Staying Sane in a Time That’s Not

Dear Diary,

I made waffles for breakfast last Thursday. I prepared my sourdough sponge the night before. I was awake before All the Children. I made myself a cup of coffee, and I puttered around the kitchen, and I thought, “Oh, this is why Morning People like getting up before everyone else. It’s so quiet and calming and lovely. I have a Start on the Day. I have time with a Quiet Brain before everyone chatters at me.”  ...  read more

5 Plausible Explanations for What’s Happening in Our World Right Now

It does not snow where I live. Or rather, it snows approximately one quarter of one day during the winter. Everyone gets VERY excited, we cancel everything, people from snowy climates mock our hysteria, folks crash their cars, our children try to sled on icy gravel, and stores sell out of every apocalyptic supply item: bottled water, hot chocolate, mylar survival blankets, and hot dog buns. Don’t even ask; I do not know why with the hot dog buns — I just report the fact, folks. ...  read more