Quick Life Tip: Frosted Mini Wheats with Brown Sugar and Garlic Salt Is Not OK, After All

I had Frosted Mini Wheats with a sprinkle of brown sugar and a dusting of garlic salt today which I initially decided was fine.

It was the usual situation. Four hours after waking up, I decided I ought to feed myself. Some people make themselves and their physical needs a priority, understanding that providing their own bodies with nourishment upon waking allows them to better care for others. I imagine they set their alarms for early in the morning, rise cheerfully before their children, make themselves multi-grain avocado toast or a two-egg omelette, and eat it from an actual plate while sitting at the kitchen table with a dare-I-say hot cup of coffee or bright lemon tea. I can only assume people like that are generally rational and well-adjusted with an appropriate balance of self-care… and that they don’t wake up in a high-strung panic after hitting snooze thirteen times, thinking of all the tasks they must accomplish immediately, or yesterday, or last year, and itemizing the ever-expanding list of people they’ve let down with their lack of follow-through on their Very Good Intentions. ...  read more

We Accidentally Got Our Dog a Pet Bunny

We got our dog a pet bunny. Not on purpose. It was very much an accident. Still, that’s what happened, and now here we are.

This is my lap at home.

ALL THE TIME.

Someone please bring me coffee and a bedpan. I’m not moving anytime soon.

So what happened, you ask? Fine; I shall tell you. Here’s the long version.

My kid has a friend, and the friend’s name is Rowan.  ...  read more

Twinsie Pics: I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed, Part 3

Hey! Remember when I posted last in our questionable series wherein I duplicate my college daughter’s bikini-laden Instagram feed? Me, too. It was last May, and I promised more soon, bless my heart and good intentions. Now it’s February, which is to say, I’m not a full year behind yet. And, since I’m usually WAY more behind than that, I am officially AHEAD when compared to myself. So GOOD JOB, Me! #NoShame ...  read more

Sometimes My Naked Butt Surprises Even Me… Isn’t Really What This Post Is About

Sometimes I run away to escape my family and write, write, write. Tonight is one of those nights, so here I sit at one of my favorite local spots — reopened after a fire — drinking an IPA, which I’ve recently come to enjoy because, I assume, 2016-Present has numbed me to bitterness and I can swallow more than I did before. 

The folks next to me at the bar are talking about the Sicilian mafia, how many bottles of wine fit in the sink of an RV (consensus = five), and their abiding desire for more bread, and I’m trying to decide what point is appropriate to introduce myself as their new best friend. Meanwhile, the bartender is alternating between describing ube, a purple yam from Southeast Asia, and decrying the state of the beer taps which are too full of air and dispensing too much foam this evening. I want to be all, “THE BEER IS DOING THE BEST IT CAN, MAN. LET’S GIVE IT SOME CREDIT FOR TRYING IN THE MIDST OF CHALLENGING TIMES,” but I might be projecting the tiniest bit, so I decided to leave the bartender alone.   ...  read more

I haven’t pooped my closet for, like, a really long time. Greg gave me a trophy. In other words, Greg + Beth 4Ever. True Love Always.

Folks, if you have a partner to flirt with, might I recommend you take a page out of Greg’s book and gift your significant other a personalized trophy?

Look, no one on Planet Earth doesn’t want to be recognized for their fine work. Or, without the double negative, All the People want to know they’re doing a good job. Yes? Yes. Of course, yes. Which is why a trophy is the perfect medium for appreciation. It’s an award. It’s a forever keepsake. And, personalized appropriately, it shows how well the giver knows you. How deeply you’re seen. How well you’re understood and valued. ...  read more

NEW HOTLINE for Your Questions: How to Microwave a 25 Pound Turkey

If you read How to Microwave a 25 Pound Turkey and found the directions helpful but insufficiently detailed — or helpful, but, now that you’ve tried it, you’ve run into some unforeseen difficulties — you’re not alone. I hear you, friends. I see the profound need as we prepare for Gluttony Day here in America. We are a community, and we care about each other! And that’s why we’ve set up this New Hotline — right here in the comments section — to address any specific needs you may have. ...  read more